October

October 24, 2017

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October saw me everywhere it seems. From Vancouver, Richmond, Montreal, Calixa, Amsterdam, Istanbul, to Ayvalik to Cunda…

I found some photos I had misplaced in the heart of some folders.  photos of some of the friends I visited only a few weeks ago, which now seems like an eternity ago. It was only 22 days ago. 18 if I count back from the day I left.

It’s night now. In the village it’s really quiet, a cat had something to say a little while ago but he somehow is not discussing anymore.

I am doing a translation these days, English to French, a whole novel, the dragon novel. I am getting into a flow. It is intense work. I have tried to divide my day between long walks (8 to 16 km) with a visit to the sea and the translation duties. Now I find the days vanish incredibly fast, time, time, time, how you play with us.

The rain season is on the way, maybe that will make it simpler, no temptation to the sea side. I don’t have rain gear so the focus will be clear, the choice being simple.

Today out there up on the hill among the trees, I sat and didn’t move. I was on a trail up above Cunda, overlooking the sea and islands below, just a little ways past an ancient, abandoned monastery.  I sat there and tried to just be like the trees around me. They can’t run, find excuses and disappear. They are where they are and they stay there no matter what. I tried to imagine what it would be like to not be emotional about heat or cold.  How it would be to let the wind move you however it wanted to at any moment.

 

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I noticed that on the same tree, some leaves move while others don’t, then it changes around. It is like an exchange, a conversation.  I noticed the incredible grace of the limbs being moved by that wind. Olive trees have an incredible grace.  I felt the sun on my back, I felt it’s movement as it peered from the treetops behind me. Imagine being a tree and feeling that sunshine coursing above, then feeling the night stars and the moon doing the same, just being there and seeing it all.  Feeling the clouds, the rain, the storms, the whole year circle around you as your roots deep in the earth hold you upwards.

Suddenly 4 or 5 dried leaves started to twirl, like a dance. Their dried bodies making a kind of maracas sound when they touched the ground in their dance. They made circles around like unruly children. Then stopped. Immediately looking dark and dead. A trick.

Sitting there, I wondered about life, about love, about getting old, about dreams and adventures, wondering if all these individualities could stand together on one team and cover each other’s backs. My hair is graying fast now, all its shyness about doing so, gone. (it seem to be doing it covertly for years until now) But it also started to grow strong again. Seems contradictory. But then I could never quite grasp all there is to grasp about our human existences, too caught up in swirls of moving energies to see the whole picture.

A few days ago the silence made me think for a moment that I was deaf. Up in there, when the wind stands still you might think that, until a bird sings. I had been craving silence in Istanbul. Maybe not silence as such but the absence of …car sounds, motorcycle engine revving stupidly, the Aygas jingle, television dramas out of a neighboring window, airplanes above, groups of gloating young man, car stereos at top volume, the neighbor’s lute practice, barking dogs, howling cats, screeching seagulls, fluting sparrows, full-throated midnight lover’s fights, school song, kids running to and from the school, ezan coming from about 27 mosques at once five times a day, political rallies, screaming neighbors, ambulances, hurdaci, sebzeci, herşeyci…  Oh, but the presence of the wind, the birds and the trees by themselves.

I sat longer. Looking at my hands, feeling the sweat from my climb up here cooling on my back. What am I doing here? Sometimes the foreigness of my presence here is painfully present. Sometimes I can’t put three words of Turkish together and people look at me with their eyebrows in a triangle and a downward one sided slide of one of the corner of the mouth expressing a sort of commiseration, and I feel stupid. I always recall that line from a Robert Redford movie with Mexicans in it: “ I may speak with an accent but I don’t think with one” Urgh, yeah, great quote. Mine is more like… “I may not be able to put three words together but please forgive me, I am really trying but i guess not quite hard enough since after 4 years I still stumble on basic shit so be kind to me anyways, I think…?” I could never pretend to be Redford material.

So when I sit out there in nature, the communication lag disappears. I am just energy along with other energies and the father sun and the mother earth who created us and we all glow out there together in a one breath kind of thing.  I realized recently that the CO2 I put out, the trees take it and the O2 they put out I take it and we should really love each other for it into infinity.

It rains hard now. it’s dark, the wind picked up today and the air turned around telling us the niceties were over. Fall had come with its cold shoulder. I hear it fall. My first Ayvalik rain.

 

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Slowly, slowly

October 15, 2017

 

 

Morning, new home, new people, new place, outside the sun is brilliant. It has not sunk in yet, my new location, my new life. I had a dream, then a second one and I obeyed them and here I am. Ayvalık. The last 6 weeks have been replete with much motion. First a journey along the Aegean sea, then this trip to Canada, via Amsterdam to Montreal, Vancouver, back to Montreal and Istanbul and now Ayvalık. I think of all the friends I met, saw again, it had been a long, long time for some. I have not absorbed everything yet. It seems I need to meditate on each meeting anew and integrate all that happened.

 

My heart swelled with so much emotion, every meeting bringing a different aspect of myself, like a disco ball reflecting light in all directions. Now it seems I should try to sit still for a moment but instead of sitting still I went for a walk over to Cunda Island. Back to the quiet beach I had found when I was here in September. It’s a 16 km walk from my home to there and back but I could not get my mind to stop or my eyes to absorb what was around me thoughts swirling and turning meaninglessly in my head. Finally I arrived to the beach, it’s getting late, the days have shortened since I was last here and the coolness is just about to set in but nevertheless I entered the sea water and swam for a while. There is a magic in these waters, a healing. After I sat on the flat rocks until I dried, finally able to ingest the energies, the air, the light, the sounds surrounding me, zooming into present time.

 

On the way back the winds awoke. It became cool and almost cold. I could understand how fall will feel in a few weeks. It’s a tough wind, the physiognomy of the trees exposed to its force tells their story of resistance. The sun going down, an amazing show of light. I started to re-center into the present. Finally. A couple of cars stopped by offering me a ride but I declined politely, preferring to walk. Back into Cunda I waited for the minibus, a dog was lying down there, he was really cute with long, tawny hair and white spots around his nose.

 

The bus came, we took our seats, everyone knew each other, chatting, laughing, a couple of very old men infused with body pain and walking with canes came on, they were greeted warmly by the other commuters. Night was coming and on the horizon it was dark blues and purples and deep, deep orange slowly disappearing.

I arrived home tired and happy, Levend was home and we started to chat. He has this amazing bas-relief he created, a scene with someone that looks like a king with 3 men on each side, they look Asian. I asked him what it was, he said it is an old, pre-Muslim custom this ancient Turkish tribe had; when the son of the king was in age and ability to take over the power, the old king and his closest people would kill themselves together with poison in a ceremony. This was to allow the new king to reign without interference from the older powers… this culture is full of surprises.

We ate together. Shared tea. The night was calm. Slowly, slowly I am settling in.

 

 

I had a flight to catch at 8:05 PM, this was the big day, the day of my move out of Istanbul,the megalopolis to Ayvalik, the village. I love Istanbul, in a way I miss it already but Istanbul tends to suck a lot of energy out of you and after four and a half years I am ready to get nourished by my environment instead of drained by it so here I am, on the road.

My knowing of Ayvalık came to me a little less than a year ago. I was sitting at my favorite cafe and Metin, the hairdresser turned waiter, connected me with a woman who was sitting next to me. She is a teacher, engineer and an artist. We were chatting away, I told her how the city was wearing me down and she mentioned Ayvalık to me. She showed me pictures from the internet. That night I could not sleep. The images from that town swirling madly in my mind in a repetitive loop of a dream. Two days later she sent me an email, she had found an artist residency in Ayvalık online that I could apply to. This would be amazing as I could live there free of rent and free to create. I applied, they replied, scheduled an interview, I went to the interview, then… I never heard back from them. Which I thought was quite rude for these high falutin’ dudes in HR and other big time businesses living on the expensive side of town.  From then life went on its crazy way and gradually Ayvalık kind of disappeared from my radar.

Fast forward 6,8 months later and you find me on a back packing holiday along the Aegean Coast in Turkey, fate had it that we landed in Ayvalık. The first night the dizzying dreams came to visit me again. This time I am facing a wall and I am trying to make a bas-relief; a sort of sculpture that comes out of the walls, Romans and Greeks used to make a lot of those. In the dream I cannot achieve it, and I keep asking over and over: “how can I make this? Who will show me?”

2 days later while walking along the village’s streets. I heard a voice: “ Are you looking for a place to stay?” I turned around, there was a man at a second floor window of one of those typical stone houses.

“No thank you I already have a hotel…” I walked about 10 steps then stopped. “I don’t need a hotel now but I would like to move here”   … I turned around and the man was still there so I walked back and I started to explain to him that I may be looking for a place in the fall – winter… he invited me in to chat. He is a man in his sixties, an artist, trained at Istanbul University in sculpture, he played music for years, he went to India, he is wide awake about the strange ways of our world and is all for kindness and sharing and caring for the earth. We got along great. He lives with his family, his wife and his 11-year-old girl.

Then he said: you want to see the room?  For sure, I replied.  So we walked out of his kitchen into the garden and down a couple of steps into the lower floor. As we walk in, right in front of us is a big, beautiful bas-relief.  I was astounded.. I asked him : “Did you do this?”

“Yes” he replied

“Could you show me how to make this?”

“Yes.” He replied.

I knew then that this was going to be the right place. We chatted some more and agreed on the details and I said “see you in mid-October”

So on October 12th I had a flight on Pegasus Airlines from Istanbul to Edremit. Rebeca kindly helped me carry my massive luggage to the shuttle bus that was going to take me to the airport.  It was slow going through the rush hour traffic.  The bus stopped and admitted a few more passengers, suddenly a row had started in the back of the bus.  Two men, one in a suit, bald and with a voice that had been extinguished by cigarettes and a younger one.  I am always amazed at the frequency of these brawls in Turkey.  The driver separated them, had the old man sit in the front of the bus on the sidekick seat next to him.  The old man and his rusty voice went on and on and on talking endlessly.  We finally got to the airport.  At the airport little things started to slip and slide;  first at the check in machine, the one I tried to use didn’t work, then the second would not read my passport,so after all this I went to the counter to checked in my baggage. My suitcase was 7 kilo overweight.  I had planned for this and thought that by removing the clay I had put in there the bag would be light enough so I started to open my bags right there in the middle of the check in line and I realized that I barely had about 4 kilo of clay… I was madly trying to find the heaviest things out but somehow everything seemed light. I took out my paint tubes, a notebook, I was sweating, trying to be efficient, I was hoping it was enough and closed the suitcase.   After closing the suitcase I realized that in the bag that contained my paint tubes was the knife I had just bought again ( I had to give up the one I had before at a previous security check as I had forgotten I had it with me) so that meant that I had to give it up yet again.  Sigh.  I was trying to keep an eye on everything, my passport, boarding card, bags, guitar… it was a bit hairy.  I put the suitcase back on the scale and I still had 2 kilo overweight.  I gave up and asked how much it would cost and that was 18 lira. I pulled out a 20 lira bill but they only take credit cards so I fumbled in my wallet for the card.  The only remedy to anything in this world it seems; money. When that was done I had to gather my stuff, and while doing that I managed to lose the 20 lira bill I was going to give the cashier.

Thinking of doing the wise thing, I had chosen the ticket option that cost 40 lira more, this option, as the web site congratulates you, should be the” beginning of smart savings.” allowing for a 20 kg piece of check in luggage, a choice of seat and a sandwich;  simit with white cheese (which would cost about 4 lira) I would have done better just paying for the suitcase as now my extra fees added up to 60 lira.

Of course the flight took off late. In the last month I have taken 7 flights and 6 of them have been seriously delayed for one reason or another.  Arriving in Edremit I felt good, I was almost there with one more bus to take.  I should arrive in Ayvalık in about an hour!  Yay! I got my heavy suitcase, loaded my large backpack and guitar on my back and put the small back pack on top of the wheeled suitcase and headed out.  It was about 10 PM an hour late from the scheduled 9 PM.

Looking out all around, there were no busses. I asked the security guard who said to me: There are no buses coming to the airport at this time, they will start back at 8 am tomorrow. And on the road? No buses. He replied. I saw taxis, I asked a driver:

“How much to Ayvalık?”

“100 or 130 tl.”

Ouch… too much money. I desperately looked around for something to appear, a good Samaritan who would share a ride…

Nothing, no one.

“Shit.” I mumbled. Everyone was quickly leaving the premises all smiles grabbing and hugging their relatives and family members.  Soon the place was deserted. I could now hear the crickets, feel the cool breeze and the silence wrapping itself around me.

“OK… lets get comfortable then. I grabbed the sleeveless vest that the beautiful Alex had just given me a day ago. My hoodie, my scarf… I set up my backpack so I could sit on it so not to be on the cold cement and thought : “that is going to be a long night”. I then wrote a text message to Levend, my host in Ayvalık, to let him know not to wait for me. I didn’t give him the details as I didn’t want to worry him.

There were two taxis still sitting there, with their little 4 cylinder engines running and emitting their distinctive clicking sound. The driver was outside and looking at me.

“He’s waiting for me to give up and pay.” I thought. “but I will not give up. I can live for days on this taxi money. I can wait it out.”

Finally he got fed up with waiting and he walked up to me.

“Araba gelir mi?” (there is a car coming for you?)

“Nope” I said. And then he asked again and I said no again.

“I can make it 100 tl for you.” he proposed.

“No thank you. I will wait.” Then he said:

“There is a dolmuş (mini-bus) coming on the main road. You have to walk up to the asphalt, it will take you to Ayvalık.”

“Oh really?” I said. He then left. I pondered staying here with the certainty that a bus will come, albeit in 10 hours from now, or heading up to the road with its uncertainties. I was in no position to wander around with all these bags and weight to carry. I had to make the right decisions or I would risk a really tiring adventure or even failure… but there should be a dolmuş, for sure! Right?

I took my phone and sent Levend a second text message telling him that I was on my way there but I didn’t know what time I would arrive and not to worry. I loaded all the stuff on my back and headed out in the night.  The wheels of the suitcase making my coming known to the world, I walked up to the main road which was  about 500 meters to the road. There I chose a spot in the light and waited. Big trucks flying by, some cars, it’s pretty quiet. I was thinking that in the end, taking the bus from Istanbul to Ayvalik may seem longer but it may be the easiest way to travel, at least you get from downtown to downtown… none of this weighing bags-charging fees for extra weight-having to go through 2 or 3 security checks-disrobe or be patted indiscriminately-losing things at security checks-having to deal with airlines that are always late-having to book a room in a hotel and being told you’ll be reimbursed only to be told that they are not responsible and leaving you 200 Euros poorer-Oh and also pay grossly overpriced food while prisoner at the airport like paying 4 dollars for a bottle of water that costs 50 cents… and on and on… with the bus, you get on with the food you wish to carry and the suitcases you can carry.  They are luxurious, quiet and fast. Unless I cross one of the oceans, I think I will stick to the roads in the future.

So there I am around 10:30 PM in the dark night on a Turkish highway waiting for a miracle dolmuş to appear. Instead of that a woman appeared. Long coat, scarf on her head and some bags in her hands. I decided to approach.

“Are there any dolmuş coming at this time?”

She dove into a very fast paced information packed reply in Turkish that left me only understanding Midnight and 1 AM and not much else. Teşekkur ederim I answered (thank you) and I waited next to her thinking she was waiting for a dolmuş. Not long after that, a brown small sedan pulled over, she opened the door and got in. I heard something about the woman (me) standing there and going to Ayvalık and other things I didn’t understand.

“Come in!” the man said and when I hesitated they both said “Gel! Gel!” so I grabbed all my stuff piece by heavy piece stuffed it all in the car and sat in. They were heading to Burhaniye as we were speeding down the road I thought maybe it would be better to stay on the road and catch the dolmuş.  I have memories of having to hike back to the highway from downtown and that can be a long way on foot.   I said

“Maybe it would be better if I stayed on the highway…” as he was turning off the highway.

“Hayır! Hayır! Hayır!” was his reply. ( No! No! No!) Knowing how the Turks have a tremendous fear of bad things happening to women who are alone, I could not argue. They dropped me off at the bus stop right in the center of town. Another woman was waiting there. She was cross-eyed and at first I had wondered if that was going to be a bizarre encounter but no, she was just a regular person waiting for the mini bus. Her bus showed up about 30 minutes later. I looked at my phone and saw that it was almost out of charge. Damn, it always seem to work this way when you need them. It rang. I answered.

“So you have arrived by now?”

“No, I am waiting in the middle of Burhaniye”

“What???”

I told him the whole story above.

“Where are you?” I told him where I was.  He went on to search the internet then informed me:

“There is an otogar (bus station) 750 meters away from you. There is a bus at 3 AM and it is 30 tl to Ayvalık. ”

“Hmm I will wait here a little longer, the mini-bus should show up by midnight.” It was 11:30 or so. A little while after a dolmuş showed up, I asked the driver:

“When is the dolmuş for Ayvalık coming?”

“There is no domus for Ayvalık coming.” He said unequivocally.

“Oh. Thank you.” Otogar it is then, i picked up my things and started in the direction of the otogar. As I was crossing the road a young man was walking by, I asked him if I was indeed in the right direction.

“Oh, no! It is neither this or that way, it’s over here and maybe 1.5 or 2 km away.”

“Oh.” Then he started to talk really fast and I could not understand him. Finally I got that he was proposing to walk with me to the otogar. So we set out in the night. All the streets were deserted, so quiet, when I looked up the sky was illuminated with stars. I started to think that this was all not so bad.  I find that if I look at nature, any situation is never as bad as the mind makes it.

“So what is your work? Are you married? How old are you? Where are you from? When did you move to Turkey?” As we walked he asked all those questions. I would reply and then there would be silence. I started to ask him more or less the same questions back, to help time go by. His name was Ibrahim, he was an engineer, he was 25 years old. When he asked my age he just stared at me.

“You don’t look like it.”  He said.

“I know.”  I answered. We took a break by one of the fountains and my phone rang. It was my friend in Istanbul.

“Where are you now?” he asked and I told him and passed the phone to my guide. They chatted a bit and he gave me the phone back.

“Call me when you are at the otogar.” he said and we hung up.  We resumed our walk in the dark, quiet night.  Suddenly it appeared in the night out of a turn, a brightly lit building. The bus station.

“Thank you so much I said. It was a small thing but it was really important to me.” He was looking at me with a strange look. He said I was a strange woman. I smiled and said “I know.” The lack of ability to communicate via words was stopping me to say something appropriate for goodbyes.

“Thank you” I said again. We hugged and I went my way not looking back.

Inside everything was brightly lit by very white light, each of the desks of the main bus companies manned by one person. My phone rang again, my friend it was.

“So where are you now?”

“At the bus station.”

“I looked online and there are no tickets at this time, maybe you should go and ask them.”

“Yeah but it’s difficult to be understood.”

“Go to them and give them the phone.” which I did. We talked like this to 4 different company reps, finally the last one said that I might be able to get on at 1 AM if the driver agrees to make an unscheduled stop on his route for 10 or 15 lira. So the man told me I could leave my bags and relax while I waited. There was a small cafe, I went there as I was ravenous. He started to make toast. I got some ayran (yogurt drink) and waited. It looks like his grill was cold as it was taking forever to get ready.

Suddenly the man from the company came to me and said : Lets go!

“I have toast coming!”

“OK, take your time and get it!” and to the man in the kitchen I said:“ I must go!!”

“I’ll put it in a ‘to go’ package!” I paid him and ran to the bus. They took my luggage and put it under and I climbed in and we immediately got on the road. Oh my, it looks like I will make it after all! I ate my grilled cheese with the appetite of a lion. Then found an electrical outlet on the bus, plugged my laptop and plugged my phone, which had gone dead in the mean time, to charge. Then I called my friend again:

“I am on the bus!”

We quickly made our way to Ayvalık’s bus station. I asked the driver how much for the ride? He said 15. Do you have change? I asked as all I had on me was a 10 lira and a 100 lira bill.

“What do you have?” I told him. “Oh give me 10! it doesn’t matter!” he said a bit roughly. I gave him and got my stuff. I looked around , there was one taxi and one man had gotten in. “how much to Ayvalık?” I asked.

“Oh my friend is coming, I have a fare now…” and he took off. I went inside the station to see if anyone could tell me about the dolmuş.

“Yes, yes, there is one, he’s down there, waiting..” I went back out, walked in the direction of the mini-bus and a man was waiting there, I asked him if he was waiting for the mini-bus.

“No, my wife is coming. You can ride with us.”

“Oh! Thank you.”

They dropped me off at the Ptt (post office) Which I knew was close to my destination. I grabbed all the stuff and started to walk one more time in the deserted streets. I found the right door pretty quickly. Levend opened and we hugged. I had made it.

 

Roiling waters

February 24, 2017

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Coming back from a gig that didn’t happen.. I was booked to play Yerli Yabanci but there was no one. Taksim is dying a slow death, the bombs and the terrorists and the police have cumulatively slowly instilled their fear and abuse into the minds of the people so now on a Thursday night at midnight the pedestrian traffic is sparse, the percentage of tourists is almost zero. The street itself is torn apart in places, they are refurbishing the trams’ tracks. Which is I guess a good thing but it just gives an aura of destruction and brokenness as the patched and cracked pavement stare at us with painful twisted faces, while the work trucks elbow their way through the pedestrians and lift walls of dust as they go growling and strutting.

Last night I did a Chris Hedges marathon. I was transfixed. He’s an incredibly well spoken award-winning journalist. He sees it all. He spent many years as a war correspondent in Europe and in the middle east and, I’ll paraphrase here; “When you have seen these countries, you cannot unsee… When they announced the war on Iraq I could not help to think of my friends there, I had to oppose the war.. When we come from privilege, like most white American males, there are things you can never know and you must always work at understanding the people who have nothing, their pain…”

I could relate to a great many things he said, being here in Turkey, in what the west calls the middle east, in a Muslim country for 4 years now, my own understanding of life and purpose and time and place and politics has been bulldozed.

The Muslim thing for example, why are you guys scared of Muslims???   They are just people living life.  That’s all there is to it. The amount of fear regarding this in North America is mind-boggling. I read comments of people in Northern BC fearing an ‘invasion’ of radical Islamists…  I now live in a city where in the last few months we had bombs after bombs a failed coup d’etat (likely sparked by America) and yet, life goes on. Why are North Americans so scared? The statistics, (real numbers not Trumped numbers) all point to a diminishing of violence almost everywhere. There is a thousand percent more chances of being killed by some gun-toting white man than by any brown person.

By living here I came to realize the atrocious legacy of colonialism. As a French Quebecer, I always hated the history of colonialism. The historical British violence, their deep desire to annihilate the French-speaking people in my home country, just because they wanted to have it all. I felt first hand racism in BC, like being at Queen E Theater in Vancouver and have 2000 rednecks howl their hatred of French people when coaxed by Kenny Rogers… I had an out-of-body experience that day. That was also the day when I said “fuck them” as I had been trying to belong so hard to my beloved Vancouver’s community but never quite succeeding to get beyond the polite “tolerance” they so kindly bestowed on me. (I hate that word… tolerance…)

But here, working in a hostel I met people from Palestine, from Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Africa, Syria and I saw first hand the horrors that the American, European colonialists distributed and still distribute to people who never did anything to them. Horrors in the name of the economy the dollar and the mighty corporatism. Horrors that steal the hope of the youth generation after generation.

Another blatant fact was how much we have in the west versus how little so many have here. In the hostel the young European and North American tourists come in with a wealth of electronics, technical clothing, shoes, they have good teeth, good hair, shiny faces and this innocence… They walk around with springy steps and with the “sky is the limit” motto. Hedges mentioned this point and it hit me so deeply because I had a first hand experience of realizing this:  this “everything is possible if you work hard enough” rhetoric. I realized that this is not true. The possibilities at times here, just don’t exist.  Period. In Canada it had a ring of truth.. There is so much more resources, money, will and wealth.   Resources and wealth often coming from the labor of third world countries, so when you think of it, the stuff you bought so cheap, was cheap because someone worked for 20 cents a day in abject conditions for you to have it.  So the spring in the steps of the westerner comes from the spines of the third world workers on which the oblivious consumer is stepping in all his shopping glee.

And War.  It’s so close.  Britain, France, America, Holland, Germany are gleefully selling their bombs and having them blown over here…  and how many have their retirement investment packages based on the arms industry?  The same ones who come here on holidays thanks to the dividends of these investments?  I saw and still see first hand the Syrians who find themselves stuck here in Istanbul. Turkey took 3 million of them… Three million in a country a little bigger than the state of Texas.  The wildness in their eyes, the kids begging on the street, the fact that they lost everything and sit here on the cold pavement hands out… heart breaking.

Here I have connected with a wide circle of humanity, not just my safe, white picketed neighborhoods where everyone has their “personal space” to be duly respected.  People from Iran, (yes, they are just people like you and me.. not the enemy)  Iraq, Palestine (oh how heart breaking…) Africa…  I heard their stories, their struggles, their passions and desires… Beautiful humanity dealt a bad hand.

I don’t know how I can connect with my white, privileged upbringing. How could I and others around me complain all the time about what we didn’t have. (we had SO much)  Yet, I will never belong truly here. I am a yabanci, a foreigner. People are generally accepting, I have never been openly berated or threatened for being here and being a foreigner. Not sure a Muslim woman wearing a hijab in Quebec could say the same… I feel a loss of direction, because I realize how much of what gave me direction was just part of the programming. How to be, what to want, how to think, the expectations of the group towards one in terms of income, social standing and of course the definition of success.  The moment you sit in front of the TV, read a magazine, listen to the radio… you start absorbing the conditioning, what is good, what is bad, what you should be as a woman, a man… who to trust.

It’s as if I woke up from a long long dream that I thought was solid ground. The culture is just an indoctrination  meant to keep everyone blind. Oh it’s Christmas: buy, buy, buy. Oh it’s Valentine’s day: buy, buy, buy. Oh I am a woman I need hairdos and 15 different types of outfits. Oh I must be successful and make money. And most insidious, the belief that you are never good enough in a million different subtle or less subtle ways, because if you were good enough, you wouldn’t need all this shit they are telling you to buy.

Hedges is merciless in his indictment of this capitalistic culture. A culture that has to conquer everything and own everything in order to monetize everything. And as blind followers, we have come to accept that food companies poison our food to make money. That our governments give away our land and water to corporate interests. Our governments spy on us and write laws to criminalize freedom of expression. Our doctors keep us sick in order to sell drugs.  That we are factually polluting all our water sources with everything from lead, radiation, oil waste in the name of profits (those profits who actually never will profit you) We are allowing massive corporations to wreck natural resources as a matter of course. We have made the “economy” our driving raison d’etre, the fundamental element in our societies, as we can obviously see that our economy being infinite growth using finite resources is an equation that cannot work. But we are hell-bent on continuing this impossible math until the bitter end where one cannot drink water or breathe the air, where the ecosystems have collapsed terminally and where the majority goes hungry.

How do we knowingly create all the conditions that allow the systematic destruction of what keeps us alive?

How do we accept to be told by some plastic looking, self-important, corporate shill on the TV who to hate and who to trust?

I find myself in this place where I cannot move. I cannot go back to my blindness, once you learn to read, you can never unlearn. I followed the elections in both Canada and America and all it tells me is that this system is not working.  it is inherently faulty.  it is a lie, a fraud, a comedy.  Everything I watch on the media speaks of madness.  To give these madmen air time and to actually discuss afterwards the inanities that were spewed as if it was something worth anyone’s time is beyond me.  Yet we are infighting each other over politics, they win, having successfully divided us to reign over us, and having hypnotized us into oblivion with the rest of the shit on TV and Internet.

We are human beings. We have human rights.  The earth is free. The air, the water… the food, fruits, plants, don’t belong to anyone.  We are here a short time to care for this earth for the future generations.  But we fenced everything and put price tags on all that had form.  We were told to conquer by religions (!) by great leaders (!)  and conquer we did with an unparalleled violence. North America today stands oh so righteously tall on stolen land having created and still do create immense suffering in our doing so.

I feel too much pain sometimes… and shame.  For being human.

When I can, I go look at the trees in the sparse islands of green in Istanbul, Gezi park and Matcka park, they gracefully elongate their fine limbs to the sky, pure beauty, pure magic of life and expression. The sea gulls spiraling in precise mathematical course, the sun dressing them with gold. To feel the earth… Oh mother earth. The shame of us humans, too self-absorbed to care.

We must find our softness again, our sensitivity, our caring, our consciousness, our capacity to be awed and humbled and the willingness to learn again, anew. Because it is a world of infinite beauty and power and expression of divine intelligence and we are one with it. I refuse to think humans are a virus. No, that is the easy way to sanction all destruction and remove responsibility and ethics. That rhetoric is a virus, it’s a duplicitous excuse to permit us to disengage, give up to separate us and leave us drifting in a sea of fear and abandonment.  We are all, every atom, one.

What is my place in this world? These days I feel that I have been so blind, so manipulated by the culture, the accepted views. There is so much to discover, yet my need to please, be accepted sent me down a path of blindness where the size of my thighs mattered more than the wonders of the earth, than all that could be explored and understood. I never had regrets in my life… but  now I do… and it is a very unsettling feeling.  How could I be so limited? So controlled? So un-curious.  Why was I not independent and brave and trailblazing?  These days are days of awakening, world-wide. We contemplate servitude to the corporate masters and monsters in a degraded society and nature, we toy with the idea of acceptance of this dirty pact. Or the other choice is the difficult road of creating a new world. I don’t believe that the model we have had for the last 2000 years can work. We must own up our humanity with its rights and responsibilities and empowerment. Not be pawns of the state but full beings, aware, intelligent, caring and strong.

And love. Love more than you think possible. Everything, every animal, flower, blade of grass, sunset or wind… Love, unconditionally all that exists because it is as one that we will make it.

2017 here we go

January 12, 2017

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January 11 2017

Hello, hello, hello… Hello? Oh, hello 2017. Twenty seventeen. Two thousand and seventeen. All this time, time, time that races by. I have neglected all forms of writing; letters, emails, blogs, books, songs, poems, to do lists and new year’s resolutions. I’ve let time go undocumented. Free.

The mind never stops though I wish it would. It is especially monstrous when one lets the Matrix spell the rules. You must this, you must that…There is a trap there, where creation becomes a plea to be loved and accepted, to fit into something. Will I ever stop being a beggar?

New Year’s eve was beautiful, peaceful, child like with smiles and laughter from the eve itself to about mid-day when I compromised that peace by looking at Facebook where I found out that a massacre had taken place (again) in Istanbul. Horrific, meaningless deaths. The tone went out of my muscles, of my stance, of my enjoying the peaceful pleasure of this new fresh baby year.  2017’s Innocence gone, already.

Statistics say that we are experiencing much less violence than in the ‘70’s  and past history yet we feel surrounded by madness.  FEAR.  TERROR.  These two words… everywhere, all the time.  So I felt dread, then I decided to refuse the feeling.  Yes the Istanbul attack was-is awful, everyone here is affected, all the shoulders have sunk a little, the smiles are less readily given. People hurt and hurt deeply and the challenges keep slapping us violently one after another.  There is no way to be oblivious…   There are unspeakable things done all over the world every minute. But then we’re also over 7 billion and if we were as bad and polarized as the memes and the short films and the news and the internet comments make it appear, it seems that we’d be in a soup of blood every minute of the day.  My belief is that the fear is wanted.  The hatred is wanted.  Divide and conquer, as old as the human race.  What we are experiencing is a massive societal indoctrination in fear and hate now distributed constantly by the media, commercial or social… all is infiltrated, doctored, controlled to create this environment.

I turned off my TV twice in my life, first it was around 1990, then my ex bought one… which I hated but I got sucked back into it as it is so, so, so addictive… Then around 2006 I think, I was watching ER, final episode of the season, cliff hanger, and I was sitting in my chair with a pounding heart and frown on my face, my stomach in a knot when suddenly I thought : “ this is fiction, it isn’t real… why am I so worked up? Why is this shit going to occupy my mind more profoundly than my “real” life?” So I got up, rolled the TV on the other side of the basement, the screen side facing the wall and that was it. Freedom.

By grace, I don’t have a smart phone.

EVERYTHING promulgated on those devices is a lie. Every advertisement, every program, every medicine they sell you, every piece of advice… The idiocy of what we are all doing, consuming, believing all this bullshit about lifestyle, health, safety and on and on… And while we worry about things like “thigh gap” and Trump’s latest idiocy, they fill our drinking water and toothpaste with fluoride (a known poison) and we buy this shit, we smile, we act so cool.  They give us drugs that make us sick.  When you start to think about it… we look really stupid.  Think about it. For money, we have come to accept slavery, destruction of our world, air, soil, water as a “matter of fact”. We are acting like absolute idiots. We buy poor quality crap, use them a little (or not at all) then throw them on a pile which ends up into the environment, and we don’t blink an eye.  Did you know the impact of bleached jeans on the environment?  the blue sludge goes into the water system and people, animals, ecosystems are destroyed somewhere down the line.  Is that acceptable?  Is it acceptable that some people work as slaves for your Nikes, Apple products?  Is it acceptable that we are devastating whole ecosystems in Asia to make palm oil so you can eat Doritos?  and it goes on and on… and yet, we still buy Nestle, Doritos, Apple, Gap, etc.  We want to be told what is cool to wear, what car we should get, we are sold that tar sands are a good thing for us…

We are acting as if we were absolutely insane.  Mad.  Incapable of taking care of ourselves, let alone our environment, our earth. We have been trained to be consumers, and dumb ones at that. We have been trained to not ask questions and do what we’re told. We are constantly reinforcing the training by watching movies, news, TV shows, Oprah, CNN, CBC, BBC, and all those venerable institutions… They all lie to us.

We are, as a people, COMPLETELY HYPNOTIZED. 3, 2, 1… Open your eyes, you are now awake.  This bad feeling in your stomach, it’s not your imagination.  Listen to it.  Listen to your heart.  There is a reason why we all feel something’s not right.  Every institution is perverted.  Look at the outcomes, look at the results, the actions taken.  Forget the words and the cunning discourses, that is the snake oil salesman.
For this new year, I want to drop down into my heart.

The only thing that makes any of us worth anything at all is love. The meritocracy we were trained into is a tool to separate us, make us work for the man and to betray ourselves. Once you have betrayed yourself life becomes quite empty and painful and the only way to redeem that betrayal is to make amends.

For this new year, I have decided to delve deeper and deeper in the heart, in the light. I’m not sure what will come at the other end, I’m not sure how to look at it because I can’t look at it with my “business as usual” eyes. I realize that to get out of the training, out of the deep indoctrination even the most “rebellious” media outlet, education process, films or images are all imbedded with the societal leash. That to really act and function in a way that truly recognizes what I am, a being of light, spirit and energy operating on a much wider band with than the one normally assigned to humans, I must break the chains, ie, the unconscious operation of daily life with its assigned reflexes and expected behaviors.

I miss the earth. The wind. I feel a deep pain for the animals, the forests, the oceans, for what we are doing to them. I feel ashamed of the humans who go on so blindly, never to worry about anything but their own preciousness. This culture of celebrity and stars and money has made us a group of self-centered assholes, always peering back in the mirror to see how good we look. A group of spoiled brats who always want more without even knowing why.

In this new year, I hope we can feel the need of Mother Earth and that we would spend some time to help heal her by way of energy, prayer or just plain old clean up and respect. I wish for elevation. Love. Peace. Freedom and the respect of life, human or else.

 

 

All we need is love

November 7, 2016

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Yellow leaves gracefully falling down from high, a vine climbed all the way up this old building in the Yesil Cam street in Beyoğlu. I sit outside, a fire orange heater keeps us warm there, I drink soda water while listening to my friends. My Turkish is improving, I started an online course and if nothing else, it’s giving confidence to speak and take chances.  We came from Kadiköy which is on the Asian side. We played a concert tonight, Alican, Alev, Stuart and myself at the Istanbul Improv theatre. It was beautiful, the sound, the room, the lights, the vibe. We were to play one set then be joined by the improv troupe but the “events” of the last few days have dampened the spirits in Istanbul so that part of the program was cancelled. Actually most of our audience were actors, we only sold 5 tickets, so yeah, we didn’t play for money tonight… but they loved us and we love them and it felt deeply, deeply satisfying to be in that place at that time.

The events I am referring to is the arrest of the political leaders of one of the opposition party who happens to be Kurdish. The totalitarianism is growing. There has been protests ever since the arrests and the militarized police is out with their usual tricks of tear gas, water cannon, etc. to muzzle the discontent.  When I came out of the ferry in Kadiköy today, while the passengers were walking a 3-4 ,meter wide walkway between the ferry terminal and the water, about half way in, the people ahead of us suddenly turned back running fearfully back towards the boat we had just left, it was scary for a moment,  I quickly looked for a place to go so not to be trampled and found next to me, a couple of wooden gangways with metal bars so no one could run across these.. I looked ahead, trying to figure out why this stampede… but there was a short lull, the running stopped, no one was talking, then people started to walk forward again. It was very fast, I felt my heart’s loud pumping recede. When we got to the open space I saw the riot police,protests were taking place up the street.  This was why, people ran from the police…

 

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But it had been relatively peaceful for a few months. Lately we all started to be happier, to make plans, to walk with a little more spring in our steps while still wondering what was to be next.  With this sort of governance you can always expect one thing for sure, they don’t want people to be happy.  It’s almost as if timed, or measured, as soon as you start feeling better something shitty happens, and that something shitty has to do with the leader feeling slighted and in need of defending his bruised ego.

I am telling you people, do not vote Trump. If you vote in a brute, a money minded, sexist, racist kind of a human, that will come back to haunt you. Freedoms like the freedom to dream, to raise your children with hope, freedom to travel when you wish to, to express your opinion, to be able to contradict your government can be lost in the blink of an eye. Put a fascist, nacissist in power and see how hard it will be to dislodge them. They will tear everyone and everything apart just to be right. I have witnessed this here. And I promise you, it is an incommensurable sadness to see the young generations lose their hope, to see them lose the opportunity to dream up and create their world.

Another point; Remember the hype about “The Secret” you know the book, movie and the countless dreams of wealth, mansions and fast cars that was awakened. Well it’s true. It works, it is the basis of how this universe works. Thoughts become things. What you put attention on, talk about, feel deeply and so genuinely will manifest. I’m sure some of you have dabbled in this “manifest your dreams” thing or at least have pondered it. Well, it works for the bad stuff too. It’s just natural. So as we go about our days nowadays all we see is destruction, the coming of WWIII, wars all over, sicknesses, animals dying all over the planet, and on and on… we are either on the news or on Facebook scrolling through devastation, immorality, violence, darkness, fear… Then it sits on our minds, it rolls and roils and stirs and it feels so real, and we keep thinking about it all the time. This is in fact a perfect application of the Secret or the Manifestation principles…. and guess what? They manifest.

So as hard as it may seem, we all need to focus on good things, no it’s not a Polly Anna thing, focus on anything good, make that as important as all the bad news.  Shut off the TV.  Refrain from scrolling endlessly your Facebook, Twitter, TYT or whatever you watch.   Love your neighbor, find something cool about your co-workers, your ingrate son or the annoying driver on the road. Earth and humans need love right now and SO MUCH of it.  Dare hoping, dare trying. In your mind, or out loud bless everyone, anyone you cross, wish them love and peace, Be in wonder at nature, the trees, the birds and the sun. Shift your focus onto beauty, strength. Meditate if it’s your thing. Make peace. The world is energy, and right now we’re stuck in an incredibly negative, aggressive, angry flow of it.  Take responsibility, create the good stuff. These are troubled, challenging time and I am striving for beauty. I’ll make music and drawings and smile at the street cats and dogs. We must. It’s our job, we’re here to love and never before have we needed to do our job as we do now.

Peace.  Love.

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Lightning in the distance, thunder, it’s 2:04 I just took an after gig shower to remove the cigarette smell from my hair and body. I sit in front of my sunset-window, feeling the breeze coming in, I am slowly coming down from the high of the music played tonight, it is finally quiet in my neighborhood.

I have many times had scraps of words and sentences that I imagined sharing with all of you but writing the blog has not been a priority. There are so many words already out there, so many opinions, why add more to the noise and traffic? They say it’s all been said anyways.

Last I wrote was after a bombing in June, since that, we had an attempted coup d’etat in Turkey. Four hours that changed EVERYTHING. I never quite realized how fucking fast things can change in the political realm. I am used to the slow, feet in concrete, lets wait four more years ways of the Canadian political world… Those hours, that night were terrifying. The indecent violence of an F-16 breaking the sound barrier over the house made me reel because of the absolute horror of such war machines. The single purpose for these is murder. Somehow all of us humans have come to find these things (f-16s, tanks, machine guns, pipe bombs, rocket launchers) normal and necessary evil. But when one flies above your home and the sonic boom whips your walls and leave them trembling as if they were made of grass… then you hear bombs detonate in the distance while not knowing if your neighborhood is a target or not, you feel quite minuscule. Meaningless.

I will not attempt to describe the political situation here. In short, most of us don’t have a clue. We had a month of nationalistic fervor, excited by the powers in place, free bus, metro, ferries, free phones to encourage all to take to the streets. Every night the masses in cars, trucks, scooters, bicycles, on foot, even wheelchairs, what ever moved, held their flags up high while nationalist anthems blared out of anything that had a set of speakers and that, all night long. Public harangues were taking place down the hill in Kasimpasa, birth place of Erdogan, sometimes they would start as late as 1, 2, 3 AM, the people would again flood the streets, neighborhoods… the ezan (cal to prayer) would go on and on and on, (normally a few minutes and it is over) it was as if someone constantly had a finger prodding you in the chest; “hey, hey, hey, hey…” it was hard to sleep, hard to relax, hard to understand the excitement for this cry for Democracy while most of the free press was disabled, journalists thrown in jail, people sacked and fired and demoted and imprisoned and some say tortured without due process. what an irony… All in all I believe the number was 80 thousand people were part of the “cleansing” process and it still goes on.
As the political and religious right took to the streets, the left hunkered down, quietly, many, especially the young, educated people are planning escapes out of Turkey, many are mourning for the losses that seem to loom ahead. But mostly, we waited. I learned very early on in Turkey about this incredible patience, this ability to wait until the tide changes. Shit happens, OK, have a seat, have some tea and wait until a mistake is made, and it will be made. “He will die one day” was something I heard so often right after the events.

Something else was very unsettling. The Western media’s take on all this. The tone, the sudden shift in perception. Before this attempted coup, most didn’t even know where Turkey was. But suddenly everyone knew the president and his quirks, everyone judged him suddenly dangerous and unstable, Europe freaked out and plainly racist “news” came out everywhere… “the Turks will take over Europe!!!” There are millions of them!!! They are terrorists!!! Turkey suddenly became of “those” countries, you know, over there in the middle east… and the criticisms rose at high pitch and everything that could be finger pointed was and still is. But all this had been going on for a long time and no one mentioned it… Ah the fine balance of geo-politics, the short memory of the public and the general ignorance…

Turkey is now sold in the media as some demented place where maniacs rule. In some way it’s true. But it’s true of many places… did you see what happened in Britain? What is going on in America? Germany? France? and on and on…

Remember 9/11, the Patriot Act was enacted and thus millions of Americans were denied rights, they were wire tapped illegally… the situation was used by government to take away rights and liberties. Some deliberately some illegally. Here, an attempted coup happens, a martial law is installed and people lose rights and liberties… what is the difference? The difference is: We were immediately told that we were losing our rights. It was not a manipulation of words telling us that we were being protected… it was blunt and clear. Martial law. You can be detained for no apparent reason. Ah, OK. So in my view, it’s all the same “out of chaos, order gets installed with reduced rights to people and massively increased powers for the rulers”

Canada is actually about to make, (if that has not already happened) this loss of rights and liberties part of the law: Bill C-51, where you can be arrested, jailed, questioned, without due process. Where the simple act of protesting (like for Site C Dam for example) could land you a new moniker: Terrorist, enemy of the state. Is it so different from Turkey? No if only in the hypocritical way of doing it.

You know though…. what I felt through all this turmoil was a bit of a surprise, it wasn’t fear or anger or despair that hit me the strongest. What appeared in my heart was an immense love for all. To see the possibility of loss of all this wondrous, crazy humanity. The mothers, the workers, the children… How the too few could destroy, annihilate in the name of greed… the soldiers who were overpowered, all my friends here, wondering what was coming next and my friends overseas worrying for me.

There is this immense universe size well of love here among us, through us, inside and outside of us, all around, infused in our very fibers, and cells and electrons. As much as I can rage for the stupidity of the ruling class, the ineptitude of the emperors, in the billions of us, there is this potential for love, a strength that allows us survive the worst of the worst and the hardest of the hardships. The immense beauty and incomprehensible potential of the human.

I dream of a world that shines with this love, that rediscovers its moral compass, its ethics and its courage. I dream of a world where the grandeur of nature moves us to humility and respect. Where we listen, with  hunger for understanding, as we really all know so little if not nothing at all. Where we show awe, reverence for the mystery of life and the possibility of  magic.

I keep thinking that the ones fucking it all up are actually really few among the good men and women. And that if we just take responsibility for our own weakness and our own greatness we could make this place a world of justice, peace, respect and cooperation. Our challenges are so great. We have polluted and destroyed the very heart and arteries of this planet with unspeakable man made filth that threaten our very survival : water, air, soil. Lets forget the “us and them” Lets treat the politicians and corporate thieves and bankers like the criminals they are and make them accountable. Lets wake up, now, and do the the job we’re really here to do.

All my love. Always. Forever.