Tired & thoughtful in Austin

June 30, 2010


I am tired. I don’t know what it is, the weather, the road, the food or… I arrived at the motorcycle repair shop to ask for an oil change and plugs and the guy was pretty gruff. Gotta bring the bike in the morning. He say “it’s hard to get parts, wrah, wrah, wrah.. bike too old, wrah, wrah, wrah… Yeah, got filter and plugs, wrah, wrah, wrah… He goes on, oily faced and gray with grease, I said, “I understand”. He goes back inside.

It is really stuffy, I feel I am about to pass out. I kneeled down trying to breathe. My head is spinning making me a bit loopy. Crap, I can’t ride like this, I feel a bit panicked. Dark thoughts of being stuck…

OK, Stop that. Survival mode : what do I need? …Almost out of gas, get gas. I see it. A Chevron station across the way, there I go. …Very hungry, get food. Ride half a block : A Vietnamese restaurant. That will be a relief from Mexican (rice, beans, cheese, corn since New Mexico… Can’t do it anymore ) As I sit to eat the skies open, downpour. I am indoors warm & dry. Thank God.

Hunker down or leave. One local banker says : hunker down then go to Louisiana. He says running North will only put me into more bad weather pushed by Alex the now named Hurricane and there are lots of things to see in Austin. Get the Chronicle, it’s all in there.

I’m supposed to meet with friends here, I can’t reach them. My phone went dead and along with that death also died the messages I had stored, one of these messages contained the needed phone number.

So this is the third stop in a wi-fi friendly place today to see if my friend answered or not. No such luck so far. I might end up in a hostel tonight.

Texas. Oil, large pick up trucks, large hats. People look actually healthier around here. More fit, very keen, even aggressive. Very present. Texas, and an ever changing landscape. Texas and cowboy stuff everywhere, but I have yet to have seen range, or range riders anywhere.

Austin. There are guitars everywhere, I miss playing. I miss something. I am amiss. Tired. I want to clean everything up, the bike is just grossly filthy, chain lube spittings on everything, everywhere. Things are wet. Damp inside & out of the bags. All the gear is worn and beaten by the wind, I must be getting close to 5000 miles by now and some of the stuff I brought wasn’t meant for this sort of abuse by the elements. Wind, sun, rain, cold, heat. I feel I want a new shirt and pants, mine feel stretched and tired of life. Some silence for a day or so, just to give me the time to stop the road from rolling on when I close my eyes.

I never really thought about it, but this trip could likely total 10 thousand miles of road if I make it back to Vancouver…

Is it crazy? Maybe. But it would have been crazier to stay back there and not move. Say yes, yes, yes to all the same people. Repeat the same moves over and over, hoping for change or redemption. I know this. I know there is something to be found on this road. I get bits of clues and answers every day.

I thank the Bob’s, David’s, Rick’s, Phil’s, Dora’s, Stormy’s, Debi’s, Duane, Saiah, Jim’s, and all the others of this world for their humanity. For the lessons, the love and the light they have shone on my path.

I must stay lean, attentive and connected. Forgive myself, forgive the world, Forgive. And love. And hold no grievances. Let go. Let him and all the shared past go, go, go, go…..

I feel the rope I walk on, I look up, find the balance, feel…

To feel. Oh God, to be alive. I’ve been dead for so long. To feel the skin receive the light and the wind. To hear water run, to burn, sweat, hurt, get dizzy, get high, be amazed, be mad. To feel the eyes of another, to sense their world, mesh, unmesh. Laugh, cry. To hear music and have it course through your body like blood in your veins, nourishing, mesmerizing. To sense the life, the hours, all the paths that now connect and will disconnect in another short moment.

To walkabout the world, one step after another, one mile after another, one thought after another. To get closer, approach the Great Spirit and his love.


5 Responses to “Tired & thoughtful in Austin”

  1. Danielle…Time Out…

    Bruce here…Central Oregon…Old Stagecoach Stop…That beautiful girl I spoke with needs a moment of reflection. A quiet place. A day or two to do NOTHING. Soak in a hot tub. Thinking of you as I too, am disalusioned at so much…but damn’d if I’ll give in…Need a new cell? I’ll send you my extra if it’l help. Hang In There. Oh, yeah, I’m 75 today and pulling for Danielle.

    • Oh Bruce, so good to hear from you! I am ok, just tired. but it’s all good, life is good, I got to play a guitar tonight for a couple of hours, that was heaven sent. Yes, next two days I have to wait out the tornadoes and Hurricane Alex at the Austin Hostel. will chill out I promise.
      Big hugs, and I am going to see where you are in your walkabout



  2. David Walker Says:

    Dear Danielle,

    Allow some times for reflection along the way, let it sink in.


  3. Myrna Jacobs Says:

    hang in there girl and stay a few days in Austin. It’s a great city with lots of music. Go sing at an open mic or sit in someplace. They will love you.

    Find a different bike guy. He sounds like a jerk. Love the journal and am so happy you are making the trip. It was a wise choice.

  4. Cathy Hyska Says:

    Danielle …. in your words there is still such strength …. despite the hard day your resilience is shining through. When I get tired I loose perspective, but sleep, healthy food, and exercise heals so much. Looking forward to your next post!

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