This too shall pass.

April 27, 2011

The lady unbuying the sculpture was screaming via the phone in my ear : “IT’S ALL LIES, IT’S ALL LIES…  WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME!!!” She’s out of her mind. That is why she bought the sculpture in the first place. A sad reality but it does make sense. “I WAS AT THE HOSPITAL LAST NIGHT!!! I WAS AT THE HOSPITAL TODAY!!! She had told me last week that she had had minor strokes after a car accident and that it had changed her usually controlled personality into a more aggressive one. Despite the screaming she sounds frail. I was afraid she would just “pop” on me right there on the phone. 

I had been thinking about all this misunderstanding and anger between us, I wanted to put love in there. Let go of my fear of losing that money that would have made quite a few things a lot easier right now… I just wanted this whole outcome to be peaceful and fair.

I took the most soothing voice I could muster, “I’ts OK, calm down, just relax… I don’t want war with you.. it’s all ok, I’m not trying to do anything… ” tried to pass on as much love as I could over the phone line… she relaxed a bit. 

It’s such a mess.. it’s so upsetting to me.  As if the madness oozing out of the phone was insidiously seeping into the recesses of my mind turning me into an idiot. All logic and good sense gone. All arguments lost. She has me doing all this stuff for her that is detrimental to me… She is leaving me with sculptures I can’t carry around on the bike when they would have been safely on the truck bound to California. it’s costing me money, time, emotional distress, financial chaos, bank fees… and now it’s as if I am the cause of her relapse… But maybe I’m doing it to myself and if that is the case I don’t know how to stop it… like I am truly mad myself. My heart is pounding, my hands and arms have this weakness overcoming them.

She wants me to go get the sculptures tonight. And for the life of me I can’t say no because I so want this to be over. I want this HELL to be over NOW. But my haste is my self destruct button.
It’s 5:20 PM. I now need to get insurance to run the van so I can pick up the stones, another $35 bucks… I stop at the bank, get her a certified cheque so I can give her the money back and be accused of whatever. $6.50. At this point I still feel somewhat collected and calm. The idea that I may conclude this tonight keeps me rolling. I then stopped at the insurance brokers’ office next door. Oops…I have the wrong papers… Nooooo… I crumple a bit. The right ones are inside the van, which is 15 miles away. 5:35 PM… I get out of the office, walk to the bike. I am starting to unravel. My phone rings… I got from moaning to shining in an instant

“Hello?”

“Hi Danielle? Here’s Brian, can you come tomorrow to our office? 1 PM. You can park in the Home Depot parking lot”

Brian is a guy I talked to earlier about possible work as an extra on movie sets. I need to make some money… I sent them my info and they called back immediately. So I have to sound good.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll be there” I said all sparkly.”

Whooooo… that was like turning on a switch and becoming someone else in a second and that made me feel even more mad.

I don’t want to ride as I feel so unsettled. But I got to. I put on the helmet and ride to where the van is parked. There I get the papers, get back on the bike and run to the insurance office…I get there, “office hours : 9 to 5:30” It’s too late it’s closed.

“OK, OK, figure it out” I tell myself.

“Well… there is insurance brokers at this drugstore… I pull out the GPS to find a location… the GPS says : “Low Battery”. It dies two seconds later. Black screen. A kind of digital “f@% you” that hits me too hard.

“What!?! I had the damn thing on the charger all night. Now I can’t do anything. I slowly slid down to the ground sobbing. I was beaten.  Without the GPS I can’t find the insurance broker and I can’t get to her place because the address is in it. and it’s late, and I’m tired and I’ve been running around all day and I just failed miserably again in pulling this thorn out of my flesh.

The sun is going down and some gigantic storm clouds fill the sky blotting the light. It gets cold in a hurry. The asphalt is cold too but I can’t move. I’m sitting down on the ground of a parking lot of a non-descript multi ethnic-shitty shopping mall on 152 street in Surrey BC.

Check Mate. Beaten every step of the way by a madwoman’s wishes who is making me do mad things endlessly.  She is running my life like the conductor of a demented orchestra. And I obey.  Like an idiot puppet on strings, with a fake smile on my face and it freaks me out. Why am I doing this? Everyone tells me I should just keep the money and let her go to hell, but I can’t. some kind of conscience.

“She’s playing you, she’s evil” I was told… I can’t stand the thought of leaving bad vibes, to be called a thief or to think that someone would say that I used anyone for financial gains… “She wrote the cheque? Didn’t she?” yeah, she did. but it’s all wrong. Something is so wrong.

When she had told me she was going to buy the piece my first gut feeling was bad. Didn’t want to do it. Then I reasoned : “could be a lesson in letting go of some of that stuff and you need the money”

I’m trying to see clearly and there is no coherent answer that comes to me.

Time runs faster and faster and California starts to look like some distant dream, like an impossibility… Money, borders, miles, conditions, can’ts and “reality”… and I feel like such a loser. I should be on my way by now. But I can’t seem to be able to not fuck up, to get all confused and dumb. And every fuck up keeps me here where the tentacles of the place slowly but surely wrap themselves around me. How am I doing this to myself?

It’s a strange powerful mix of good and awful. Light and darkness. One moment is jubilant the next I am utterly unable to handle the situation.

Why do I have to get in there so deep?

I got back up. Pulled the helmet over my head. Got on the bike. Started the bike. Beowulf. I look around the parking lot sitting there with the engine running for a little longer than I should. I get back on the road. I end up at 80th and highway 15. It’s 7 something PM. To the West apocalyptic skies. To the North big tall mountains shrouded in some gigantic white and grey clouds. I stop. Turn off the engine. Sit for a moment then get up, get the camera. Take photos. I will want to remember this moment.

I cross the road and take more photos then walk back to the bike. As I do, I see a motorcycle across the intersection. Two people on it. They approached, slowing down. His round headlight shines, it is some sort of Japanese cruiser.

“Everything all right?” he asks above the engine sound.

I smiled, gave him the thumbs up.

“Yeah, everything’s all right”
the girlfriend was blonde and had the gentlest smile. They went on. I watched them go away on their evening ride, amazed and thankful for this little moment of perfection among the cataclysmic skies, forbidding snow covered mountains and the farm fields that won’t come to life this cold spring.

I got back on Beowulf, took off and hit a 100 MPH in a hurry. Took a deep breath.
This too shall pass.

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3 Responses to “This too shall pass.”

  1. Alan Little Says:

    Too funny….

    “Whooooo… that was like turning on a switch and becoming someone else in a second and that made me feel even more mad ”

    Heads up Danielle, Frolic Room awaits if you ever make it to Hollywood

    Alan

  2. Lévis Bergeron Says:

    My emotional stings are vibrating… breathe!
    Was in Tsawwassen yesterday… my mom and dad came to visit my sister…
    dad turns 93 today, mom was 91 last week! All is well… Really feel for you!
    Bonne chance! xoxoxo

  3. mrbear Says:

    I have this belief, and it irritates the hell out of some people I share it with, and it’s not always of immediate comfort. But, you get there. For me, it does help me get through bad stretches. And I have my share.

    We live in a world of contrasts, or relativity, if you will. If all we had were good days, would we actually know what a good day was? Would we appreciate it? Lows help us understand the highs. The dark helps us embrace the light. The cold helps us appreciate the warmth…

    I don’t want to diminish in any way the hell you’re going through right now, because that’s what it is, pure and simple. And it saddens me that you are going through it. But, you have incredible talent, and incredible friends who are there for you. You have an incredible future ahead of you. Look forward to that, and follow the advice of Winston Churchill:

    “If you’re going through hell, keep going”


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