Running and the end of running

May 3, 2012

Hey all of you,

well, I won`t get into the details but the last 2, 3 weeks have been very intense.  Personal stuff stirred up and much uncertainty engulfed me in a sort of personal madness.  It`s much calmer now and that is a good thing.  Very good thing.

Sometimes it seems everything hits you in the face and you wonder why the world is so tough… then you realize that what you are being dished is exactly what you’ve been brewing, cultivating, imagining in your own mind, your decisions, judgments, fears materializing into your  “today”.

It’s a humbling shock. I always think I’m so damn smart, that I will be seeing it all coming… Then the train comes without warning and you’re splattered like a Pollok’s painting.  Beautifully undone.

The realization came in a big, fat, red neon sign, blinking madly between my ears : You are running.  You have been running for the last year.  You have to stop running or you will disintegrate your engine.  Oil on the track and everyone will end up in the decor.

Since Vancouver last April I’ve been running, racing, floundering and since then I kept running.

With the “not knowing where I’ll sleep”,  the friend’s couches, the no money, the cold, the rain, the last minute saves from my angels,  the marathon crossing of the continent, the second failed attempt at crossing the border, the album never materializing, the constant wondering, pondering, questioning, accepting then not accepting. Constantly fighting with what is and what cannot be changed, with here or there? With the fact that I seem to find no way to belong here…
With the winter, the bike was stored but my mind kept sprinting.

For the first time in my life I felt old.  I felt used up.  My body betraying me with all sorts of ailments.  I felt my mind drifting out of reach.  I could not count on me anymore.  I felt exhausted, empty.   For the first time I felt like the times had passed me, left me behind.

So this last crisis was the culmination of all this.  There I am, at the very bottom of the ladder, physically, economically, mentally.

My friend Forrest said to me : You are a Warrior, but you are also human.  We had a massive communication.  And he helped me “see”.  Forrest is wise.  Impossibly generous.

The thing about running is that you actually accomplish nothing other than motion.  There is no creation, no expression, no living other than experiencing velocity.  You can kind of look good doing it…  but the oil degrades, the metal whines, wears, and things come to a halt.

Last Saturday I managed to make a decision.  I decided to stop for a while and that felt like the correct estimation of what should be done.

Just about immediately on the heels of that decision a voice kind of said  :  ” you need a work space, a studio.”  Two days later I had one.  I looked online and found 2 ads.  Monday I got a call.

” So are you still looking for a studio space?”

“Yes I am.”

The girl explained what it was, where it was, how much it was.  I said :

“Can I see it?”

Tuesday morning I saw it and decided to take it.  I wrote a cheque (didn’t have all the money in the bank account but I figured it was right so things would work out and they did.)  I had no art supplies, no more paints, brushes, no tools…  but I figured it would work out and it did. The girl left a table and 2 shelves which was the bare minimum needed to get started.

Today some unexpected money showed up, so I went to the bank and covered the missing $20, then I bought a few brushes at the art store, they happened to have a 50% discount on them, I also picked about 10 small paint jars, some gesso and tomorrow I will stop at the hardware store to get a few pieces of wood to use as boards and I have a tiny bit of polymer clay to start on the first horse.

the loft

Now I’m wishing for a stool or chair, a lamp or two, and I really do need to get an eye exam and get proper glasses so I can see what I’m doing…

My little spot with a just washed floor.

I know this is right.  I will stay put for a little while, get stronger, calm down, find peace, get creative.  It will heal me.

 

The other thing I need really badly is to find some work… I’ve  applied to probably 50 ads online these last few days… no positive answer yet.  But I know the right thing will come along.

The music you ask?  Well I got my license to play at the Market, I will start Saturday with Samantha, it will help break the ice to not be alone.

Today as I was going around town, I felt good.  I was on my bike, not a touring bike but a run around bike, (I could not help but think about Beowulf and why my fate was to lose that perfect travel bike and it being replaced by this new bike which is definitely not a long distance touring machine…)  I felt the air, I felt free, I went fast, I could move around, get things done like going to my little studio space tonight, with my new 10 colors, new brushes, some paper and pencils.   I looked around, it was perfect.  I can settle here for a while.  Imagine new things.  Find life or let it find me since I’m not going so fast now.

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4 Responses to “Running and the end of running”

  1. David Walker Says:

    Welcome home Danielle.

  2. Erikakw Says:

    Yes, welcome home lovely D, fun straight home for real and know you are loved for who you are, exactly-actly for certain and forever you are not the ugly girl anymore you are a woman who is becoming and coming into her own beauty….

  3. bobskoot Says:

    Danielle:

    things seem to be falling into place. It’s nice to have a place to call home and have people get to know you. That SV 650 is a capable machine. I have the same engine in my V-strom and I can go anywhere with it. Simple and reliable, no more failed transmission splines.

    A lot has happened to you during the past year, and now you need to rest and wait for the next chapter . . .

    bob
    Riding the Wet Coast
    My Flickr // My YouTube


  4. I absolutely LOVED this post, Danielle! I could feel the peace within you and your “exhale”. It brings me so much joy to read about your new brushes and “10 Colors” (you thinking what I’m thinking?). Reading about these simple purchases felt like such HUGE blessings to me! You are a wonderful, courageous, and beautiful soul, Danielle! God bless you and keep you! It was indeed great to hear your voice again! Let’s talk again soon!

    Forrest “Seraphim”


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