Last day of May 2012

May 31, 2012

Today was the day to pack my thing at my former home.

The light in the room is beautiful, it’s cool, I could almost be home. I could almost take a nap on the bed, on those sheets I helped pick. I could almost just relax and do some of the work I need to do on the computer.  I could almost pretend.

I got too much stuff. Got too confident. I have 3 guitars staring back at me, and I might have to sell one or sell all of them. I hope not.

“So what is next?” he asks.

I drink all I can of his face, his eyes, his body, his stance, his being.  I’m trying to just be there, just answer, I am very much wanting to not falter.
How do you tell your heart to stop feeling?

How do you stop the knowing of that love?

How do you abandon all claims on the sanctuary that was yours?
I wish I could promise myself that I will never, ever again fall for anyone. Stay whole, grow wise, on my own. In Peace.  But this last experience told me that the heart is a wild stallion with no intentions of being corralled, directed, saddled up, neutralized. It just does as it wills and it is scary to think I could slide down that path again.  It is too devastating, debilitating.

Before him I had found a great area of comfort and ease in my solitude and in the great open spaces.  I was experiencing great “human experiences” with friends and acquaintances.  I was free.   I didn’t know anymore what it was to be loved that way and to love that way myself so I couldn’t miss it, I couldn’t need it, heck I didn’t know the meaning of the word “needs”.

Not anymore.

The reminders are everywhere, the memories jump out from behind the bushes to scare me when I don’t expect it.  This city is him.

But there is much to be thankful for.

My friends have been unbelievable.  So supportive.  I am loved by them, there is no doubt about that.  Their voices are soothing, giving me strength and helping me breathe.  The family I am staying with have been so generous.  So genuine.  I love them deeply.

Arkadash is more and more becoming “my” ride. We’re starting to be one. The freedom it gives me is priceless.  The feel of the wind, the sense that I am not stuck to the concrete of the city.  I am thankful for  K for helping me get it, I could not have done it all by myself.

The people at the employment help center of the YMCA have been outstanding.  They threw a life jacket at me, gave me a sense of hope and curiosity.  Lisa you are a true angel.  As an example, there was a job fair yesterday and Lisa, the employment counselor I’ve been meeting brought me one of her own sweaters for me to wear as I don’t have more than my worn clothes.  It gave me confidence.

Many ask me what my plans are, how I am planning to move forward…I got a call back from one of the job fair employers for an interview for a school bus driving job.  Then there is the TESOL program, go overseas to teach English or French.  Korea, Saudi Arabia, Japan, China… there is all sorts of things I could do but…

The real question is not HOW, it is WHAT.

What do I want.   What would make my heart sing.  What is the call I should heed next?  I can’t answer right now.  I am bolting at anything and everything like an overstimulated skittish horse.

One step at a time.  One breath at a time.  Gotta make them deeper, gentler and listen, listen to the call, the voice that will entice me to the next chapter.

Thank you all of you who think of me.  Your thoughts, your love reaches me.  I am aiming to do the best I can to find my truth.  You are with me always.





2 Responses to “Last day of May 2012”

  1. This was beautiful but also very sad, Danielle. This kind of change is a very difficult one. I am glad that you are willing to be honest with your feelings. That is very brave. And you will survive this trial. It’s who you are. You are loved, Danielle. I am so glad to know that you know this. Please… never forget that.

    And by the way, the photos you took are POWERFUL. I can almost feel the emotions you must have felt when you took them. You will soon be able to look back on this time to help give strength to others who need it. God bless you, Danielle. Love you!


  2. mq01 Says:

    go overseas! live! enjoy! try and taste things new to you! be free! teach others skills or languages! share and have the world share back! big hugs!

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