The eve of a new journey

June 6, 2012

Oh how life runs. A restless child with a knife in it’s hands running after butterflies.

 

The last while has been ripe with emotions, events, ups and downs and crashes (of the mind and heart not motorcycle) and redemptive moments.

 

Tonight I mull. There is but a mere 15 hours before I embark on a 10 day meditation retreat. No talking, no computers, no phones, no books, no paper or pen. Just self.

I have been wanting this for a while. I was really hoping I could do this before my relationship went into full meltdown, I thought I could have saved it because I could have seen in my heart and clarify the muddy waters and explain to him what that mud was, let him see that all could still be created.

 

But it was not to be. The special love is gone, as I write this my heart twists in my chest.. I think I aged 7 years in the last week with all this constant wrenching, this unbelievable heart pain.  It is ridiculous, but it is there.  Undeniable.

But the thing is…

 

Today I started to realize that ANYTHING was possible.

Again…

Having nothing means that ANY direction is open to exploration. No obligations, no ties, no attachments.

Again…

 

Yeah, Once more, I am granted what the absence of possessions and ties allows.  Full power of choice.  Freedom.  Last time was in June 2010. And I wonder… How many people get these sort of chances?  How many get these chances twice?
In 2010 I heard the call : “Go South.” and I did, and I found so much.

 

In 2012, where will I go? What will I do? I give myself the right to hold on to my answer until after the retreat.

All this to say : everything is possible. Anything is possible.

I am mystified by the fact that right now, EVERYONE I talk to wants to help me.  They want to give me money, they counsel me, support me…  What is that if not a clear road map?

What is my purpose? What is my task?

It is so close, that closeness is why there is consensus with help… everyone on some level feels it, wants to further my quest.

 

I keep feeling, thinking, sensing that there is such a task for me. I think that this is why the “freedom” came back to me so quickly…   Or maybe I’m delusional with these ideas of “tasks and purpose” But it sure impinges on me and all around me…

I will be out of touch until the 18th. The retreat’s rules are : No phones, computers, books, paper and pen, no talking even.  So no worries if I don’t reply to communications.

There is so much in my mind right now.  Choices, options.  I did a job fair last week and all sorts of options I had no awareness of are popping up.  I realize I have to keep searching, not just get the first job… but use those as springboards towards yet unimagined possibilities for me.   New paths, leave the grassless, worn, clay trails and head out in the wild flowers…

Open up.

Live.

Who knows?

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3 Responses to “The eve of a new journey”

  1. Lévis Says:

    Breathe… the Force is you! xoxoxo


  2. Merci Levis, Merci…

  3. francoise moulin Says:

    Je pense bcp a toi. J’aurais voulu qu’on se parle avant que tu ailles a la meditation. Mes amis y sont alles a cote de chez moi (Camp Pringle) et ont vraiment aime leur 10 jours. Je t’embrasse tres fort. Bisous.


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