More moon, more images and decisions.

September 20, 2013

The moon was shining bright tonight and called me…  actually, after what took place I just wanted fresh air.  I am a big fan of air…  lots of it.  A big fan of the moon too…  and not of big fan of bullshit…

Whassup?  You ask.  Well, I’ve been here for 3 and a half months.  It’s been awesome in so many ways… it’s been amazing, mind blowing, exciting, freeing, challenging… all sorts of things I really love.  The one thing that has been shitty, and I use the word meaning it, is the bağlama learning…   it has just not been happening.   Lets politely say that there are major cultural differences that make it really hard for a white,  foreign, single woman to be taken seriously.  

I am tired of getting approached as a “loose” woman.  Being touched when I don’t want to.  Being freakin’ manipulated as if I was the last idiot to come in town.  

As a westerner, I tend to expect to be treated as a human being.  You know… basic respect. Basic communication skills.  Basic professional courtesy.  

Tonight I reacted.  Finally.  Because since I’ve been here, I have been trying to be polite while figuring out what was going on, not wanting to judge or not being patient enough (which is an easy thing for me..)  But tonight it was my spirit that spoke instead of my analytical mind and my spirit said NO.   THE PUCK STOPS HERE.  (A very Canadian expression)  Tonight I was going to be Luongo on a good day.  Ken Dryden during the good ol’ Montreal days.  I was going to be a Boston Bruins equivalent of Tim Thomas :  fucking invincible.   (for the non-hockey initiated all these are legendary hockey goalies) 

I was supposed to meet with my teacher.  First it was going to be at 6….  then it’s  7:30 and now I have to cab it to his place… and I started to feel annoyed…  I was expecting to meet somewhere in a public place.  Because there were some things I wanted to speak up about:  like how at some point he starts getting his hands over me a little too far for my own comfort…   There has been in his defense some really good moments, moments of what felt like honest friendship and kinship.  I have learned many things…  But no baglama program, that was something we were going to do 2 months ago and that still has not materialized.   So now we’re going to meet at his place… nothing fundamentally wrong, I had been there before but…  it’s a residential area which meant that it might be hard to find my way back home after the meeting.  I really have this thing… I have to be independent, able to leave when I want.

I was on the phone when I was told about where to meet and suddenly my spirit  screamed at me:  NO.   THIS AIN’T HAPPENING LIKE THIS. PERIOD.  I was shocked into silence…  I said:

“I dunno why… Sorry… I’m not going to do this.  I’m not comfortable with this.”

At first I had no idea what the hell was going on with me, except for this VERY strong inner voice saying “Hell no.”  and I accepted to listen.   He said:

 “When you feel OK call me back”.  I hung up very confused.  

 

Then I wrote him a text saying that I wasn’t comfortable to meet at his place to which he made fun of me, pretty much calling me a coward.  To which I replied : it’s not about fear, it’s about respect.  It’s about being respected as a human being.  Would you grope a male colleague sitting in your car with you?  I asked.  

Now I am angry.  But a good kind of angry, the kind that is about not letting anyone push me around anymore.  

Needing air, I decided to go out for a walk.   I put my boots on.  My ass kicking boots.  When I wear these, no one messes with me…  you know my black, tough, heavy, motorcycle boots.   I grabbed my camera.  I headed out tall and strong.  Then I saw this cute cat.  I smiled.  OK.  I thought.  “Don’t  just be angry.  Forgive.  but don’t take the crap anymore.  The truth… the truth is that this ain’t working out  and that’s fine.  The truth is that I am getting impatient because I’m not riding the curves… I’m idling in a parking lot thinking about how not to do the wrong things…. Not my style.  I’ve catered to everyone’s mood so far but mine.  That is now over.  

The moon was out and I resumed last night photo adventure with the full moon.   I checked myself again:  tall, strong, self determined and I thought : fuck all of ’em who will not respect me as a human being.   I don’t need to bend over for anyone to do music.  I can make some freakin’ awesome music on my own.  I’ve waited long enough being politely Canadian, trying to respect, trying not to ruffle anyone’s sensibilities while I let them stomp me all over…  Fuck that.  I came here because this place is amazing, because Turkish music is amazing.  I came here to see this crazy land,  to walk in Rumi’s steps and to see where Asik Veysel lived.  Where the Amazons roamed.  I came here to feel the wind of the steppe on my face…

Imma gonna do that. Period.  All the people who see me as a yabanci, as a foreigner to rip off can go to hell.  There are some impossibly awesome people here and Imma gonna find them.  At the first hint of bullshit you’ll hear me say : “watch my dust.”   There is going to be some high firin’ going on if things are not right.  (wink to Asbjorn here) 

So down the streets I went and here is the harvest…  

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motorcycles…  yeah..

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back streets of Beyoglu

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cutey pie cat

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Yeah….  mad isn’t it.  Like a movie set

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So I am walking around my neck craned hunting the moon between buildings, looking for something to capture…  and for the first time since I’ve been here…  I feel like me.  I look at people in the eye and tell them iyi akşamlar, (good evening)  men or women.  I’m being me.  Enough of the PC crap. Oh how liberating this is…   I’m not angry anymore, I am determined.  I am free.  

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doesn’t he look like a hard worker?  I think he does..

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Then I met Yuksel on the way back.  I stopped at the ChillOut, had food there, my little photo journey took over 2 hours!  I was hungry.  It was good to see Tuba and Feza.  Yes there are some AMAZING souls here and I love them from the bottom of my heart.  I told them that I will be hitting the road.  Yes.  Made my decision.  I will see my friend Kimberly who is on her way to Germany and will stop here for 24 hours on September 24th.  Then I’ll leave for Konya, Rumi’s hometown..  There is the Mystic Music Festival taking place.  From there, the adventure will proceed.

I’ve been antsy, not liking the “settling down” lately and I realize that the discomfort was cause by myself, by acquiescing silently with conditions that I did not like.  it’s actually always so simple… 

There is going to be much to in the next 5 days… need a back pack and walking shoes…  I feel good.  I feel aligned with the life vectors, finally.  One last show at Kara Kedi next Sunday with Eren… and maybe I’ll find the time to go see Hagia Sofia before I leave for the great open roads… here… in Turkey!  😉

Love to you all my friends.  So much love…  xxx

 

 

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5 Responses to “More moon, more images and decisions.”

  1. Danielle Liard Says:

    Your song Freedom comes to mind. Lots of love to you!

    Danielle


  2. You made quite a transition in this post, Danielle. What could have been the ruin of your journey in Turkey, you’re turning into something much more positive. Good for you, D! And those photos you took on your night walk, are beautiful!

    Seraphim

  3. francoise moulin Says:

    Salut ma belle Danielle,

    Je suis bien trsite de voir combien ce n’est pas facile. Garde confiance en toi! N’y a-t-il pas un groupe francophone qui peut te donner des filons? je suis sure quce ca existe. Tous les europeens vont en vacances la-bas…..Tout ce que tu explique est bien culturel. Tant pis pour ce musicien, il y en a bien d’autres! Il a etait un instrument pour toi et te montrer combien les cultures traditionnelles sont bien profondes et compliques pour nous les “outsiders”. Alors, j’ai contacte une famille ici dont le mari, Murat est turque. ile est adorable et vient etudier l’anglais. Il est immigrant. Sa femme, canadienne est allee etudier sa langue pendant quelques mois. je pense qu’il te faut une connection. Tina m’a suggere de contacter sa belle soeur qui etudie la musique a l’universite et les instrument. Elle ne parle pas l’anglais. Le seule moyen de la trouver , c’est sur facebook. Tu peux aller sur Murat face book: tc murat turan et chercher Didem Turan. Laisse -lui un message et il se peut que ca t’aidera. (Je ne sais pas quelle universite. Bonne chance, ne te decourage pas. Je te lis, tu es dans mon coeur. Tiens bon! Ce n’est pas pour rien que tu es la-bas! Bisousssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

  4. connie pryor Says:

    Great pics as usual Danielle.

  5. Charlotte Says:

    I tell you… there is only one you, and you are exquisite.


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