of phones and trust

November 18, 2013

Hmmm

I had started to write a totally different thing, then I checked my email and then I found myself sitting here a little bit staggered.

I knew my flight back to LA was to be soon. I was thinking it was on the 21st. I had plans to cancel it, you lose a pretty large chunk of money but you still have some money on account. I had looked at it about 10 days ago and planned to come back online and do that soon… Well, the flight was today, I expected to get a notification the day before or something… but I did not. So I lost all the credit I might have had on that flight. Today my meditation was about not judging any event that would take place because we rarely see the whole picture and the invisible ramifications each incident has. It requested that we trust.

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So I sat here looking at the screen thinking: “OK, I’m not going to judge this one way or another.” I decided to accept that this took place because it was meant to take place and I trust that I am in the hands of something bigger than I am. So to my amazement, I did not panic in any way.

Yeah, I don’t have a way back now, but it’s OK. Totally OK. It is the will of the Gods and I surrender to that.

I have been thinking quite a bit about my phone disappearing. At first I really, really got emotional. I was quite upset. My thing that I loved so, was gone. Then I reasoned that it is but a thing and if it is happening it is because it must. So I made a concrete decision to just “let it go.” be at peace with it. Forgive whoever took it and move on. And it felt genuine. I cut the invisible threads that tied me to this thing, to all the meanings I had assigned to it and let it be what it will be. Let the fact that I lost all the phone numbers of everyone I know in North America be OK. Believe and accept that I don`t know the ins and outs of this but that there is a reason and I will not be left wanting.

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Following this, in this perfect world, yesterday I met with my new friend Sean who was coming through Istanbul on his way to Ankara from Vancouver. He handed me an Iphone….

I said: “Huh???”

He said: “Well I told you I had a phone for you.” He did but I did not really register that it would happen and wasn’t really expect that it would.I was standing there with this shiny black thing in my hands…

“Thank you so much… Really???… I don’t know what to say…”

“I had three phones, I gave one to this guy in Afghanistan, one to (I don’t remember who he said) and one to the Canadian girl!”

He went to the bathroom at that point and I stood there with this thing in my hands realizing that I will be able to do all the things I did with my Nokia phone and even more: recording, photos, film, GPS, etc, etc..” I would have never, ever bought such a thing but there it is in my hands. Amazing.

So, the flight… same thing. Not to worry.

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The hardest job we have in this life is to really trust, to really have faith in the fact that we are provided for, that the truth of our existence is that we were meant to thrive, love and be joyful. All the cynics in the world hate me for saying this, they find arguments and some of those I cannot fight, They tell me of the ugliness, the wars, poverty, and the meanness of this world. I can only respond with my limited experience, my own life. In my own life, all the massive ugliness of the world has never materialized. So I cannot answer about that. What I have seen and experience and now know as a complete certainty at this point is that the world I face everyday is the mirror reflection of my beliefs. So I live my life.

While thinking about this some time back I had that question: Well OK, if this is the case, then how can I teach myself to dream bigger than any of my imaginings? How can I imagine the unknown, the unimaginable with the mind I have now? How can I dream bigger about things I don’t know about so my life will be this amazing reflection of my amazing dreams?? Kind of like the theories on materializing what you envision and you make vision boards and stuff like that that only encompass the scope of what your mind knows.

I realize now that it’s now about dreaming bigger, or imagine the unknown so it can materialize. It is about surrendering to the fact that I know nothing. For a westerner, the idea of knowing nothing is not popular. We’re supposed to be so on top of it all… The fact of the matter is that whatever I see, perceive is but a tiny fraction of the whole picture, all the possibilities and the outcomes and that by surrendering, I allow what I could not imagine to happen because I have not decided to know what is. Handing the keys and steering wheel to someone else. Oooooo yeah.. for a westerner that is a big deal.

This in turn changes one’s life into a joyful, innocent exploration. Imagine a whole day without judging, without knowing ahead what anything, anyone is. Let it all speak to you and be willing to listen, be willing to grant to your interlocutor their divinity, their role in your life and that you do not know what it is they can bring to you or you to them.

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We are all intertwined parts of a whole where all and everything has a function. The hardest job is to silence the fear and the doubts, to trust fully and absolutely, to not defend or attack, nothing is that important as to require war. Never be a victim again.

Oh the path of this life.

Since my last post, life has bestowed incredible visions and gifts upon me. It brought so much more than I could have planned. My life is this gentle teacher showing me the way and when I despair and struggle it is not long before it answers me.

***

On a less esoteric note, I moved back to Chillout as a volunteer last week. I had the feeling it was the right thing to do, I had the feeling that somehow I needed to get out of my private little life at Bin Bavul and accept the volunteer offer I had been given.

The first night, I wondered if I had actually fucked up. I entered the dorm room I am sharing with two other people and the stark walls and the lack of privacy and the unease of now meditating with others around me and all sorts of stupid little details like this made me uneasy. I lied down on the small bed and it seemed a bit hard, the room was too hot, people were making people noise… then the heater came on. That thing is a convection heater, it is quite big and when it turns itself on, the room glows bright orange, illuminated like the fires of hell! My bunk being the top one, that thing is aimed directly at me frying me like some onion in a pan.

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I got up and tried to silently unplug it struggling with the cord, then succeeded. I climbed back up on my bed, pulled blankets over me as the glow died out and the coolness was already palpable. About a minute after that, I heard a stirring… my roommate was up, plugging the thing back in… We settled the thing by turning the temperature down a couple of nights later.

The first few days I was moving about a bit gingerly, I didn’t have some specific tasks assigned to me other than “social media” and that made me feel guilty, which after a short discussion we realized that we need to have a meeting and build some sort of strategy together, so that meant there wasn’t really anything I could do right away. I don’t want to abuse the situation… be a burden…

But now, after a week I know I made the right decision. The first day, a beautiful conversation I had with a co worker answered some worries so perfectly. The third night, I woke up rested in a way I had not felt in quite a while. There is peace in my heart. I am home. I can help, contribute. My little Istanbul family is here. With all the misfits and the characters and the travelers who course through this place with their visions, missions and quests.

Last night I ended up doing the night shift as someone quit minutes before their shift was supposed to take place.

It was a magnificent night. I played music with my violinist friend Yoris from 10 to 12, then the thing with the shift happened and I stayed there, kept playing until about 3 after everyone went to bed. For once I was all alone and the music on the sound system was turned off. the hum of the fridge and the many different machines in the building quietly purring in the building. I cleaned up the tables, washed the dishes, put the hostel laundry in the dryer, all in order. Then I sat down again with my guitar and played.

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At some point, Bartin showed up. We had good conversation in the quiet space. Then at around 6 AM I prepared us some breakfast, olives, cucumbers, bread, butter, cheese, boiled eggs and tea. We ate, it was good. I felt filled with beautiful contentment. I am so happy to be out of my bubbled up Western life… to be with these people. To learn of their ways, culture, to see how they view the world. Yes, I am learning, more and more everyday. I even have a spot to practice now… that was a worry I had, I thought that maybe I would have to rent a rehearsal space but no. At night the kitchen is empty, it is in the basement and the walls are two feet wide. So no one is bothered, I can play for hours. These last three days I finally was able to play as much as my heard needed. 3, 4 hours.

So, no worries, all is in line, aligned, I am on this learning path, living path. I have amazing friends. I am loved and I love this city, this place with all its chaos and craziness. It’s motion and energy feeding me, allowing me to be and live the way I feel is the most real to me, to my wild heart and my need for wind.

so right now I sit in this cafe, been writing for a couple of hours. One of the street cats came in, getting pettings from all and everyone, then it came close to me, jumped on my chair, I always sit at the edge of my seat when I write and laid down in the space between my back and the back of the chair. I feel the warmth from its tiny body. Galata tower is in front of me, the open doors let some cool air on the front of my body and the heaters heat my back. I am so grateful. It is amazing. Just amazing.

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2 Responses to “of phones and trust”

  1. Aaron Says:

    Always a journey for me when I read your letters. Thank you and stay safe Danielle.


  2. Beautiful, Danielle. Just BEAUTIFUL.

    Seraphim Robinson


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