Mirrors, images.

February 19, 2014

A97

What keeps you in a state of war is not truth. Fight, defense is separation from the oneness, which is where the truth lies.

“You cannot leave the front during a battle.” He said. One of his friends had read that in a book..

“I don’t want to fight.” I answered, but clearly, by being a victim means that I am in a state of separation, of conflict hence a state of war, so want it or not, I am already fighting.

So what is it that one must do? Recognize the divine in the other… yeah, I know. I see the picture very clearly, the behavior, the actions, all the things that define someone who lives in a state of fear, feeling attacked and having to wage war to survive. An enemy has to be created and fought against in order for that man to feel that he has some sort of control over his environment. And for some reason, I am the enemy to be fought. So… how do I overcome my fears and forgive, let go? Right now it is all much more than I can do, I am failing.

I have been at Chillout quite a while, I know this person. I know how he always had to criticize, vilify, ridicule someone in the environment. From his mouth I have heard negativity about every single person working in the hostel pretty much on a daily basis. I was “a friend” you see… but now for some reason or another the tide has turned. I have become his “enemy”, someone to make wrong. Why? I am not certain. A few events that took place in the last month might have triggered his fears, his judgments, but whatever the cause is, suddenly he could not look at me in the eyes, would not talk to me at all. He would deliberately be really friendly with everyone else around but me. I confronted him about it. with the help of a friend who could translate my words, I asked: “What have I done? Why don’t you talk to me anymore? What is wrong?” his answer was that nothing was wrong, that we really are like siblings, forever…

But not long after that the negativity grew and grew. Soon it was not only bad vibes I would feel, but I started to hear stories and lies about what I did or did not do. I witnessed the twisting of facts to make me look careless or worst. The straw that broke the camel’s back, was to hear that last week I barely worked, after I had spent the whole week working every possible minute despite my being so sick, weak, pushing myself as hard as I could. That week I worked in the room daily. For two days of that week I worked from the mid-afternoon to the wee hours in the morning… I worked through my sickness trying to make the deadline with the room… Then that failed because of paint issues… So it did look like I didn’t work as the painting did not advance… The grossness of the allegation was just too much for me, I lost my cool, this was absolutely unfair.

But worst than that is to live daily with someone who hates you, tries to trap you, spies on you, willfully tells lies about you and fakes his friendship and helpfulness. Life now like walking in a minefield… can’t do no right. From my standpoint, I saw the his manipulative process, people about whom he was so critical moments ago are now best of friends. He is a master at weaving this fine web of deceit and control. So finely woven. I saw friends abandon me, turn their backs on me so swiftly, it was astounding. Masterful.

I’ve been so sick and weak, so tired. The truth is that two weeks ago, I should have stopped. Stopped and taken a week off to rest and heal.

I am doing that now. Yesterday I left.

It is amazing the toll exacted by mental stress. You can push the body so very hard without any problems but the moment you add mental pressure, suddenly the whole system collapses and cannot deal with life.

I slept all afternoon, woke up in the evening, practiced and read and slept some more. My roommates are amazing, Meron gave his bed and blankets to me. I am a bit embarrassed to be creating this situation for them all. I was given tea, an extra blankets, brought dinner… then more tea. When Meron came back later that night he brought in some candles, making the room look as if in a fairy tale. I am safe. I need to get better.

This morning, Meron knocked at my door and brought espresso. They are singing, smiling, this house is a joyful one. I got a message from Chillout telling me that tonight will be a dinner to try and talk things over. I should go I guess. I can try. Try to open heart and mind. To listen and see the reflection of my own soul. To learn something.

I want to do what I promised I would do, finish the painting, honor my friends there who have been like family to me. It is important to me. At the same time, change is in the air. This time, era, is coming to a close. I hope to be able to hear the answers I asked for.

A96

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2 Responses to “Mirrors, images.”

  1. Charlotte Says:

    Hang in there! Funny how one toxic person can ruin an entire situation. Ask me about the “crazymaker” I had at my campaign job! Love and miss you!

    Charlotte

  2. Danielle Liard Says:

    Toxic people are just that, toxic. Anyone who badmouths others behind their backs will do the dirty on everybody around them. Don’t know if it’s some sort of power trip or what, but you are well out of that environment. Never mind the dinner to ‘sort things out’, just talk to whoever is the actual boss and make arrangements to complete your work with that person only. You don’t need the stress. Take care.

    Much love

    Danielle


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