This morning

March 3, 2014


Oh sun. There you are. Hold me, hold me. Warm me. Awaken the life in my cells.

Oh the life around me. My body quietly throbs as I sit here looking at the light giving new spirit to everything.

The color of the wood. The color of the stones. The yellow taxi sparkling.

A redhead woman walks by, dressed in strange blue hues that remind me of Sarah.

A scarved woman walks by so heavily as if burdened by the weight of the whole planet.

I have a week of rest ahead of me. My head is full of anticipation about what is to come. Kimberly leaves this afternoon. Bartin, Yuksel, Cevdet have all left this morning. I have to gather my things at Chillout. Much changes.

“It is the country of the Gods” Eva said about Greece. She thinks I should get a one way ticket. I don’t know yet. I have to make travel arrangements to Heraklion soon…

And what if I walked from Greece to Carcassonne? Lighten up even more, one bag, the instruments. What if I walked, hitchhiked, or moved by whatever means that presents itself to me. And what if..???

I wanted to put together a music tour. I wanted to take Eren and play, play, play all over… can it be done? I have become so terrible at planning anything. It seems to be something I cannot do at all anymore. My life cannot be lived like this at all. I am in a constant state of free-fall. The winds grab a hold of me and decide for me.

I received two beautiful messages yesterday. Friends. Their words connecting to my very being. Friends. I am so thankful.

Oh sun, you shine on my fingers as they type. My eyes are a bit dry, not much sleep there was. Summer is coming. I know I say this as Vancouver is covered in snow… LA covered in rain. And the East coast still so cold. They’ve had a long winter.

Maybe I should go to India as Maryam suggested, get my hair shaved in this rebirth ceremony she told me about, shed everything, shed the last bit of vanity… Maryam will be going to Beirut. She said “Come visit me there.” Sounds good… “You could play there…” that could be interesting. really…


Maybe I can go see my friends in Iran. I need to be invited in order to start a fairly intense visa procedure. There is an instrument there, the tar, ancestor to the baglama or cousin… depending on who you talk to (everyone wants to own the thing for themselves). I could learn more music things.

I am asking the Gods every day what is my next direction. I await their answer.

This morning Istanbul feels so sweet, I feel like I never want to leave this place.

The other night when talking with Orçun, he said: “I was talking with a foreigner, he told me how much he ‘liked’ Istanbul. I said I don’t like Istanbul, he paused, then said emphatically: I am in love with Istanbul. I know what he means. Then he added with passion: “Thanks Gods I am in Istanbul!!” and to this he received full, total, heartfelt agreement from the other Istanbulite at the table.

How amazing this place is. How perfect in all its imperfection, dirt, impatience, unfairness, violence, sweetness, crowds, thieves, street musicians, peddlers… From the glory and insane wealth of the well to do to the poorest of the gypsies, begging on the street with children in tow.

I sit here. Like a rich tourist. But I have no possessions. I am nothing. No, no, no, don’t get it wrong. It is good to be nothing. To erase my specialness and erase the self into being everything for a few moments. Just exist in this very instant, to not know anything. Be newly born every instant. To be amazed at every second at the incredible magnitude of the beauty and richness of this all.



One Response to “This morning”

  1. Danielle Liard Says:

    Ah, sweet friend, you are not nothing, you are never ‘nothing’. What you are describing there is becoming ‘everything’, transcending space and time and englobing the universe. Taking all into your beingness. Makes you out to be a very big being, doesn’t it? 😉 You are, that’s why you have the abilities you have.

    Meanwhile, do you remember the song that had the line ‘poppa was a rolling stone’ in it? May not be exact citation for the first word, but you get the idea. There are places in this world which people fall in love with, I know Vancouver was that for me, sounds like California and Istanbul are that for you.

    I think the Greek island trip would be a great idea, might help you see more clearly where to go from there.

    Much love to you.


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