The choices time brings on your lap

April 29, 2014

Should I stay or should I go?

It has been the question on my mind for a while and now that my residence permit is almost over and I have to consider action.. it is now at the forefront of my preoccupations. The thing expires on June 9.

I started the renewal process yesterday I took an appointment online and that felt really good. It felt like I finally had turned on the light in a dark room. One way or another, If it is renewed then I have the choice to do whatever I feel. That gave me a boost, “Yeah” good something is happening. But later, a friend told me about this new thing that is required: health insurance that costs 250 lira per month, that is 3000 lira that I would have to come up with up front. Well, I don’t have that. So no more choice… so this morning I scoured the internet for more information about this insurance and very little shows up other than it is a new requirement. Can I get my own policy (I found travel insurance for a year for $450 online… would that work?) But this new fact brought me back to this “what’s next?” position all over again.

So many things are moving, evolving, changing… people leaving, places closing… yes, it is quite normal for this place. When I think of leaving something comes to make me want to stay… When I think of staying another event happens that make me feel that I should maybe go then…

I play tonight at Karakedi, with Eren and Joris. Yes, Joris had left and he is back for two days and miraculously Eren was able to get us a night at Karakedi. Another friend from Iran will be here in 5 days… Last week Jule was here. After almost a year I can see the cyclic nature of this city. People come to visit, then leave and eventually come back in cycles, while the natives live through this flow of incoming and outgoing humanity.

I have a tremendous love for this place. I made some deep friendships that are really hard to imagine leaving behind. If I try to imagine not being here it seems I would just miss my friends, the color of the light, the cats, the buildings, the philosophy of life so much… Then there is this thing about not getting attached… letting all go. It’s been truly amazing…

Decisions seems easier to make when there is a future plan, a goal, a target. I don’t really have such a thing. I don’t have career dreams and expectations and must haves anymore. I am just happy to play when I can, when there are ears… I am just happy to help whenever, whoever and wherever I can… I am not in a hurry to go back to the materialistic West with its hard rules and its unstoppable obsession for money. I think in wide strokes about writing, music, practice, walking… There are places I could go volunteer for a while all over the world. It would make for great experiences. then I come back to that question: What do I want? and that is where it gets strange, I don’t really “want” anything specific. I do miss my friends over in North America… I can always come back… I think of all that the world offers… so much to see… Where does one start?


One Response to “The choices time brings on your lap”

  1. Hmmm… all personal selfishness aside :-), it kind of sounds like you might possibly know the answer, if you ask me. Follow what is in your heart, Danielle. I would like to say that this is all I’ve ever seen you do; but I honestly can’t for my part. What I CAN say is, from where I presently stand, this is what I believe I’ve seen you do for the past year. And it has been a BEAUTIFUL experience. You just seem happier and more full of life in Turkey or perhaps traveling abroad. I have learned this past year that I am happy knowing that you are happy. I believe this is an aspect of love. It wasn’t easy for me to put my own selfishness aside and accept this at first. Haha! You know this. But it is freedom. As much as I have missed you, i think it would sadden me (personally) a great deal more knowing you were back in the States or elsewhere and unhappy being here. Believe me when I say that I can CERTAINLY understand why! There are times I keep wishing I lived in London, Japan, Paris, or Amsterdam – places where I have dear friends and I know they are happy (enough) there. I long to be in a place where race doesn’t exist – neither pro nor con. I am nearly DESPERATE for it. But, there is no such place on earth. it is a spiritual matter that only God is in control of. I have no control over anything besides my own choices, of which I look to God for guidance in making them. I have missed you terribly; I miss us making music together so much! I realize you’re not really asking “us” what you should do. And I render no such answer. It’s a tough question. But it feels like your heart might know what you’d really like to do. Now as to “where”… that’s a different question. I hope it all comes clear to you soon. Blessings always, Danielle!


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