A magic night

April 30, 2014


Magic is good. Magic of life and this big IT that is this Universe and our being IT in IT. The day started with a bit of frustration as I could not get WIFI and I had many things of the “real world” that needed my attention. Things like taxes, residence permits, bank account balances and the such. And on top of it, my head was full of this uncertainty of tomorrow regarding the permit that brings with it the possibility of having to leave Istanbul in a little more than a month, a thing for which I really am not ready.

I finally landed at Chillout where the WIFI was alive and spent a few hours digging into websites, forums, banking and all that stuff. Then my angel showed up. Maryam. Oh what a joy to see her shine so. She now finally has her passport. There had been a big confusion last week that resulted in her having to change her flight to Lebanon, she came back from a first trip to Ankara empty handed having to go back there to finally have the precious document in her hand.

She leaves today, so we hung out. I am very, so very happy for her. She is going to Beirut and it seems perfect. We went out and we splurged into having a meal in a restaurant (!) and then we went for a fancy desert in a fancy place. Yes my angel… I’ve written much about her, there is no need to expound more, but lets just say I adore this girl and the bright sun of her beingness. I will miss her.

Later that night, I had a last minute show booked at Karakedi. Joris the violinist who was playing with Eren and I a little while back is visiting town for a week and Eren managed to get us to play. I had not performed in a while… about a month. About an hour before the show, while standing outside the venue with Maryam and I was overcome with emotion. It hits me that way. I go on feeling just fine whilst pushing what I actually feel down into my heels.. but I can only do this for so long… All the goings on taking place these last few days were stirring me up

“I don’t even feel like playing…” I said to Maryam.


“It’s too much…” I said… I was feeling the tears coming up, which is so very annoying…

and on this, Joris appeared, coming up the street loaded with a huge backpack and his violin. It was as if he had never left… Friends… We hugged, then Eren and Joris hugged and it was such a thing of beauty.

In those beautiful moments, all makes sense. The ups the downs, the unexpected and the seemingly neverending that lead to this very precise instant become all totally worth it. Inside the venue, there was the spoken word event that takes place once a month. I was to come on and play the last song and tell the people about our concert hopefully enticing people to hang out, then Eren would set his drum kit and we would start. I was going sing alone but Joris joined and then as we played Eren joined in on the snare… it was perfect.

As I sing the words “Let be, the Love that stills the heart, let be the knowing rising deep inside, let him show you the way, close your eyes and trust…” I started to float on the moment. The worries erasing. This scene, moment, instant so beautiful. Meaningful. To be playing with two of my very favorite musicians in this room filled with these souls, I felt blessed beyond belief.

The night went on as we played our concert. Eren said after the performance : “Tonight was perfect” It seemed that people were feeling everything we did, a woman who was dancing obviously totally into the music came and put a ring with a huge red stone on my right hand. She gave this red ‘ring of power’ to me out of bliss. We had this something that happens sometimes with the music when everyone slides into the groove and the mood, the energy grows into something that envelops all. Last night was like that. Blessed.

But there was more to the night… Conversations took the shape of guiding lights. First it was with Joris who asked why I wouldn’t try to play bigger venues, do more with the music. My answer was the usual “the music industry sucks” which I realize is a stock excuse-answer. Then I said something about not being so great, which is another stupid way to not face things. To that he said, everyone loves what you do… and as I played, and after I got off the stage, seeing the happy glow of happiness that had engulfed everyone, I could not deny this.

Of course it’s not the first time I get this acknowledgment from life. Music is always the thing that makes my life make sense. I know these things. These things that make my existence feel aligned with the greater forces, with the IT. Like the cell in the heart that does its job to keep the heart pumping to keep the body alive.

After the show I sat with friends, I brought up the residency issue and a new friend, suggested something that might solve the insurance issue and the whole residency issue. I will see him later today, we can talk more.

Umut who just came back from a few months in India was telling me about it. Yes, India again. I need to go… Eren is talking about Berlin. Motion is in the cards, but it doesn’t have to be a lonely, recluse thing… I know that I have to honor my gifts and maybe that is why life has given me so many chances at it… setting me free in a world where so many are tied by the bounds of family, jobs, responsibilities.

Later Joris and I stopped for some soup then to Chillout where he is staying. We chatted longer, he went to sleep and I kept talking with Talat who made me realize once again the magnitude and the gift of my freedom… Being Canadian, like it or not, opens the doors of the world. This passport thing is a weighty document in this society. He spoke with so much passion about his country, his struggles, his fights.

How amazing is this chance to exchange and interact. I find meaning through others, this interaction inside the IT. The red blood cell gathering oxygen, again, keeping the organism alive. We need each other. We are each other.

I ended up walking back to Tarlabasi around 6 AM. Walking gently in the slowly stirring to life Istanbul. Before everyone and everything gets up to its relentless speed. It feels like the World is where I should be, go, experience. Home is a nice thought but a static one. I am not a static particle. Oh Istanbul one more time you shook me, hugged me, pushed me, loved me and I love you back. All is well. Really truly.


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