Damsel in paralysis

June 5, 2014

Screaming “HELP” in a high pitch voice with my brows at 45 degrees is how I feel.

For the life of me, I CANNOT make a decision. It is as if I don’t know anything. Maybe I am indeed losing my faculties. I am utterly helpless and that is not the norm for me.

Last week I was going to get the permit, I could not get the necessary papers in time for the 29th, they gave me 10 days. the insurance, the rent papers, the moving the money… it seemed impossible.

After thinking for a while I decided that I should go back to LA to regroup, take care of my things stored at Steve’s, maybe manage to sell some stuff and have some cash. A major wavering back and forth of the mind followed that decision. Everyday my mind would glaze over with the half seen pros and cons and the fact that I am stuck my two feet in drying cement.

Yesterday I practiced my baglama in the afternoon and for some reason I was playing fairly convincingly and suddenly the thought that I would leave made me sense that leaving would close the door on this, this being the reason for my being here in the first place.

Last night in a bold attempt to decisiveness I spent hours trying to get a decent flight online and did not succeed, that exercise made me really see to what extent I have nothing to stand on once I leave Istanbul. No money, no job prospect, no home, I would be an absolute burden to everyone… I didn’t sleep for most of the night my mind going in wide wild circles.

Now we are Thursday the 5th of June and I sit here thinking I should stay but not knowing where to start. In theory I have until Monday but this being Turkey, I think that if I show up with the papers, I’ll have a fighting chance… can I do it?

It is as if I need someone to take me by the hand and walk every step with me…

Oh and just now the phone rang. Pelin, she was going to help me with the insurance and the money… a sign?

Oh what will I do? Can I overcome this paralysis? Can I begin to understand what is going on? and how to kick myself into gear???



4 Responses to “Damsel in paralysis”

  1. Lucien Boisvert Says:

    Greetings Danielle – from Manitoba Canada , I use a couple of sayings for myself : 1/ don’t look back , your not going that way . 2/ Lead , follow or get out of the way and a bonus one that I came across when I was raking my cemetery plot that I own : Get cracking … you will have plenty of time to rest when your dead ! Big hugs and love from the Granger

  2. Danielle Liard Says:

    Bon, il me vient l’envie de te dire de rentrer à la maison, mais ce n’est pas nécessairement ce dont tu as besoin. Tu sembles sombrer un peu dans la confusion, fais toi un locationel et regarde tes conditions personnelles, tu es allée là-bas pour un but spécifique, si ce but n’est que partiellement atteint tu dois décider si tu le poursuis ou non. Le reste, c’est de la logistique. Entretemps, prends soin de toi.

    Grosses bises


  3. Je t’envoie tout mon amitié et mon énergie

  4. thank you all for your beautiful words! It’s slowly, slowly moving, with an amazing amount of obstacles popping in front of me at every step but somehow, I am getting there step by step, slowly, slowly, Tuesday will be the moment of truth.

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