Magnificence

What is going on? I do not know with words and explanations. It feels like the whole universe has shifted into a new mode.

I can’t find the culprit, some did say that this new moon was fostering very positive vibes, energies,a good time for new projects, etc. But whatever the cause, something very special is going on in my world. As if a freedom is now allowed, a freedom to do and a joy to be.

One of the things that stood out, and felt like a gateway was when I made this video for one of my new songs I recorded recently in France. One night, I went to bed, started to read a book on the laptop, I felt this high energy, couldn’t sleep, I then, for some strange reason started putting together this video out of clips I had taken with my camera over the last while. I worked until 5 AM then woke up at 9:30 and continued until night, until it was done. I was so excited about it.

I am also very excited and deeply happy with the recordings I made in France with Serge Andre. It was so low key, no stress, no pretense, I just sat there in his Carcassonne studio, in the middle of the night and sang and played guitar.

At first I had anxiety. Rarely have I been happy with the recordings I made with other people at other studios than mine. I got to believe that the only reason I sounded good was because the way we worked… so sitting there, no fancy contraptions, no intentions of multi-tracking and make a big production out of this, I was nervous. What if it’s bad? I kept making mistakes… I was thinking too much… then I just gave up worrying and just played with the love of playing. What else could I do?

Being there and doing this was such a gift. To hear the sound coming so pristine, clear, through high quality equipment. We took a break, went upstairs and suddenly I became so emotional. Tears rolled silently out of my eyes. I felt so blessed. This sort of thing (studios, recroding) used to be just my regular life. But since 2011 I pretty much just make do with whatever the conditions are to play and often they are far from great. You learn to made do. But there I was and at first I was telling myself: “I don’t deserve this” I am just a simple songwriter. My ego about myself and my music has taken quite a different shape since I’ve left North America. Sometimes I wonder why would anyone want to hear the songs I write? Why? really! There are multitudes of songwriters with something to say… But soon I started to feel this huge gratitude, looking beyond my own lack of self confidence, I felt so blessed. Serge was a perfect producer on the other side of the glass, allowing me to be, it is quite a gift you know, to be able to do that, to just let someone express themselves.

Then there was Barcelona, Porto. The experiences I lived there, I mean… the whole journey from Amsterdam to Porto was filled with more magic, moments, faces, bliss… there were the hard times too, the cold, lack of sleep, physical hurt from the bags and fatigue but somehowthey were just part of it all, not to be avoided but celebrated as much as the joy. My eyes were filled with wonders… so much so, how would I keep all this in my mind, heart for it to become part of me…

Back in Istanbul. Again, my wondrous, mad gorgeous and filthy city there, arms open, receiving me. I was stinky from wearing the same clothes for days, tired from not sleeping as I had stayed in the airport overnight but I was elated. I felt strong. Strong like I have not been in what seems to me like an eternity. But not just strong physically. Just strong all over. Mind, body, spirit. The bags on my back the guitar, I walked down Istiklal looking around feeling the air. Home… I turned the corner on Balyoz Sokak and outside the hostel was Rebeca, she saw me and took off running and launched into me. It was priceless. So beautiful.

But I feel I am writing these words and just run around the actual thing I’m trying to express… the actual facts that I am trying to share with you and not succeeding.

Life… the taste of the coffee… the cat on my lap. The hope in the eyes of Nihan and the way she blushes when something matters to her. The way the water of the Bosphorus ripples infinitely in un-explainable tones of blue, green and black. The Seagulls flying right next to the ferry boat, so close you can fly with them, you see them look, search for food… the laughter of Merle last night at her birthday party, the absolute joy of it. The silliness of the guys improvising songs with a djembe and a guitar in the middle of the night. The excitement in the eyes of Alper when I play him Turkish songs on the bağlama. The places on the earth, the Atlantic, the gamut of all emotions, experiences, the wind on the skin… It doesn’t end. Here I am, in this wild universe, witnessing the tides of life, witnessing the journeys of my brothers and sisters and how magnificent it all is. Oh how magnificent.