June 15, 2015


We’re on the other side of the night. The Earth ship continues its journey. Most sleep now, I witness the progress towards daylight, as the gulls cry, with two tiny candles on. I am tired but good, I played tonight and it was a good night. This week gave me hope; 4 gigs, one of them in a new venue, another one with Simo, so different music, a new thing where I just played guitar accompanying him. I paid the rent, insuring myself another month of stability. I submitted the paperwork for the residence permit. Then, I saw a friend fall down, Yeah, right in front of my eyes inside a cafe, where no one could ever expect to fall like this: He fell 3 meters deep in a hole of at least 2 meters in diameter this, in the middle of the floor of a cafe, no barrier or any device, to prevent a fall. No words of warning either… I screamed in alarm, my mind not understanding at all what I was seeing, then heard the sickening noise of his body crashing into things. I rushed down, there was a ladder on the other side… at first I thought he was severely injured as he lied there on the wet stinky floor, unresponsive, his face as white as snow and his hips and legs and head laying on the floor in such a wrong, odd angle… and he wouldn’t not talk at first, his eyes closed, those black eyebrows now too black next to the paleness his face now bore. It put me in a state of shock. I stayed calm but it was a deeply traumatic experience. I can’t imagine how it was for him, to fall in there. The cafe owner criticized the slowness of the ambulance’s coming saying “Turkey!” in my mind I criticized the stupidity of not implementing any safety protocol when you have a hole the size of an elephant on the floor of a dark cafe, which is such a Turkish thing to do… My friend, in the end was OK, hurt, bruised, traumatized but nothing to the spine or head, he was lucky.

This incident clearly highlighted how ludicrous most of my concerns are. Life so precious, fleeting.. EVERYTHING can be gone in the blink of an eye. Pft! Gone. Nothing is so serious as to stain the gift of relationships between people, they are all we really have in the end. Life happens fast and when someone goes, there is no turning back. So the laughter and talks with a friend, the taste of cheese, the good coffee, the smiles, a butcher giving me for free a whole friggin’ cow femur to make soup, the sunsets, cats, the wild dog who at 2 AM comes to me to greet me on the street, the laughter, the gift of a meal, the blessing of a job, the warmth of a blanket, the poetry of the trees, the strength of the poor, all… all… all this wonder… the gift of living, should be what we dwell upon, the rest, the fear, the pressure, we should let that go the way we too easily forget the gifts of life.

This week I also learned that I am not going to be the recipient of the study-composition grant I had applied for back in March. On Wednesday I had the thought that, no, it wasn’t going to happen. On Friday the words came via email confirming that, no it isn’t happening. I read the letters on the screen and paused. First, a disappointment, a distance, a loss. A few more breaths… then a freedom.

Forget the lessons, the studies.

And… Maybe it is time to forget this whole idea, you know, the shiny goal that inspired me to come here to Turkey in the first place. To have teachers and go to classes, this whole neatly wrapped up concept of scholarly achievement. I keep trying to give meaning to my life, you know, creating goals to reach, targets to attain, this study plan looked good, felt good, made me hopeful in a very Western sort of way, but I am not in the West anymore, and maybe I need to shed these considerations and dive deeper in what is right here in front of me.

Now I can do whatever, I am no more bound by an idea, a concept of how I was to do this. As I travel this life I keep dropping useless baggage. When I think there is nothing left to drop, still I find more useless crap to unload. All these reflexes stemming from cultural upbringing, societal, like blankets hiding the real being. They keep you warm and safe but they also hide the world from your eyes.

We must be wary of the conditioning, societal, religious, cultural. A conditioning so strong it will allows us to overlook who we love, what we care about, what is really meaningful for quick jolts of pleasure, for the illusion of control, duty and security, for the short lived relief of conforming to the rules, to be good boys and girls.

In 2 weeks I should know if the residence permit application is successful. In the mean time, I try to walk slower, not rush everywhere. Sometimes it works.

All my love


2 Responses to “Fleetingness”

  1. Aaron Says:

    Yes Danielle, the git of life is truly a gift. And the ability to be able to enjoy it with those that you care and about and care about you as well. Thank you again for taking me on a journey with you.

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