from my window

July 9, 2015

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I have been trying to write a post for a while. I wrote a few that never got published, they were too invested, too inflamed. All and all I am well, I am OK.

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One day I made a clear request, looking up the sky and asking “Teach me. Learning is all I want.” Some of the lessons came with great pain, some with great joy, some with great agony; the agony of realizing my own ego, selfishness, my own complete lack of understanding while grandstanding with lofty concepts. Humble one must be.

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After I removed myself from my white, western, privileged existence, I started to see what I could not see before. my overblown sense of importance. My unshakable beliefs in what was “right”, which was dictated by my own limited experience of the world, my white north american experience, after all I had been told incessantly by L’Oreal that : “I was worth it” no?

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Who is worth it? Me? You? The Syrian refugee running for their lives?

I sit now, on the other side of the globe, in a place where there is much less varnish laid on the daily life. The dirt, cracks, violence, fears, anger, they are not pushed under the rug. There are far less sparkles and glitter to lead us to believe in charming princes, frogs and beautiful princesses. I am not sure that I can say or that I should say anything anymore because most of everything we are made to believe and support as a society comes from some false propaganda. Something that was written by some “creative” in a think tank for us to dig in with all our hearts.

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Right now I have elected to be a bit of a recluse, I find joy in playing my guitar, making kefir, and playing just enough gigs to pay the rent. I don’t know if that is right or wrong, good or bad. I am waiting for the response regarding my residence permit, there is still the possibility that they say no. I am so keenly aware of the absurdity of this world these days, and so very aware of my own ignorance. I wish I could drop all judgement from my mind, my heart. I wish I could never complain again about anything, there is always beauty right there and now. I can be so small minded sometimes, that horrifies me… I am on a minute by minute work these days. Be present. Feel. Love. Stay in the faith that all is perfect as it is.

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Oh it’s a tricky walk, mirrors never tell the truth, the ladders we climb get us going, always going, reaching.. never arriving anywhere. Maybe that is why I stopped here and now. Trying to sense what is real, what is not just a mask or a reflection. The same window offers never the same view if one is willing to look.

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