Winds of inner change

September 27, 2015

A car rolls down the street one block away from here, swoosh. Another, swoosh. Some voices, light brake squeal, getting louder, a truck, backing beeps, it’s the garbage truck coming around at 12:30. I just did yoga, turned off this godawful energy saving spring like light bulb and lit a candle. Sound of bags and junk landing, I assume in the truck, sound of glass clinking.

“Tamam” The truck moves ahead.

September is almost over, I had a friend from Amsterdam staying over for a few days last week, she wrote back saying it was around 15 C and raining. We’re still hovering around 26 C in the daytime, and it’s very humid, it still feels like summer in heat, but the sun has migrated way to the left of my window, I don’t see the sunsets directly anymore, even in mid-day the light comes at a sharper angle.

Istanbul is the only place where I’ve ever been relieved to see fall and winter come. It gets so incredibly hot, humid. A hand of steel on all of us sweating helplessly. But I do hope the rains don’t settle in too early, as it gets as gray as Vancouver and with the gray my hope and spirit seems to fade, I am a “light” person, I need light… and if the flat is not warm, then life is a constant search for warmth and a constant crispation against the elements.

A week ago I was looking into re-vamping my website. Earlier this summer I lost all my good software, Photoshop, Illustrator… Like when I lost the camera, suddenly I felt like I was missing a creative limb, a sort of amputation of abilities. So I went online and searched, found all sorts of free things, amazing. In the more or less 8 years or so since I’ve really done anything with HTML, web design and graphics, things have changed completely. Adobe has become ridiculously expensive and in response, free tools, free software are flooding the web. Of course, the free things are never as fluid or standard as the Adobe stuff, but at least a person can put images together, crop, color correct, etc. Continuing my search, I found these sites where you can build a website on ready made templates for next to nothing. Seriously, Go Daddy in Turkey had a special for 2.5 lira a month, that’s at the most $5 CAD. So I took two days and had my site completely revamped in one of those beautiful templates, but then came the glitch: I cannot migrate my existing domain name (the to this site, I’d have to get a new one, which makes no sense at this point in time. So to keep it I’d have to pay for two services, and I just cannot justify that.

I continued searching and as I was looking at an information video about web stuff, there was a link in the video that led me to a web development course on Udemy. The course normally was $300 and for some reason there was this coupon giving away the course for $15 !!! I had a few dollars on my Paypal account, someone bought two albums recently, so I boldly registered. The course is about web development but also about how to make a living with the coding skills. The more I explored, the more I was kind of transfixed… I can get myself out of my financial mire.. with my skills. this has always been my belief. Skills are the most important thing. Maybe some of you don’t know but I used to design websites, album covers, posters, promotional items when I was back in Vancouver so it’s nothing new to me, but I badly needed a skill set upgrade and this will do it. The book for the course suggested a Ted Talk video, it was about how we feel at times that we are not deserving, don’t belong, “who do I think I am” kind of thoughts that can stop one from reaching and achieving. Somehow, the words in this clip hit me right in the forehead.

The woman explained the physiological impact of one’s own body language on the self, how the “power” hormones (testosterone) and the “stress” hormone (cortisol) shift on their own just by changing one’s body language and that, within minutes . They showed photos of the “power” body language and then photos of the “weakness” body language and I was stupefied to see myself right there… sitting in a tiny spot with my hand on my neck… Recently I had also watched a clip about the creative, plastic power of the mind and how we can become our environment and react to everything instead of creating it. I am being nudged: Time to get back into “me” meaning, into my free spirit, my confident self, into my creative boots.

All this took place and I find myself excited, dreaming of things, this is good. Allowing myself to, once again not set limits and feel the excitement of creating things, no matter what they are. With this shift over the last 6-8 weeks, I started to see that it’s not where I live that stops me. It’s not the political system or the misoginy or the racism or health or whatever label and excuse I can put on it. It’s me stopping me.

Much love to you all.



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