Where can my feet take me?

May 5, 2016

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It’s approaching midnight, five minutes to, to be exact. I had a strange day. It started by being awakened around 3 by mosquitoes buzzing at my ears and since the power was out, a frequent thing in Istanbul, I could not hunt them. I could only wait for them to come close to my ears and attempt to kill them, hitting my own head in the process. At one point I heard one buzzing distressingly in my hair, I used the blanket to smother it, I knew I had killed one. But after all this I could not sleep. I got up, did a search for torn ankle ligaments on Google.

Yeah, When I was a teen I destroyed my right ankle’s ligaments with a bad fall in a badminton tournament. I had managed to rip the bone along with tearing them all. I remember the doctor being so angry at me telling me that I was going to be an old woman with thick ankles… He was really angry at me, it had been an accident, a fall, I hadn’t done this on purpose… Anyways… I used to love to run. I’d pretend to be a horse and run, run, run, letting my mind drift into imaginary worlds. I would breathe like a horse and “feel” my long horse back and hind legs move in perfect harmony with my “front” legs. This ankle issue pretty much followed me all my life but I always kept going.

Since September I have been having foot issues. Immense pain that would move around the heel, the sole of the foot, the inside, the outside… It can be excruciating at times to the point where it seems both my legs are like wood and it’s difficult to walk. I kept going hoping for natural healing, but it didn’t come. For me, who used to walk, and walk and walk… it has been a real setback, trapping me into inactivity. I Finally went to a doctor last Friday. After the X ray and MRI I was told I have a heel spur and torn ligaments. Some knowledge is good, I could now scour the internet for information. I found massages, healing exercises, scar tissue dissolving methods. The doc gave me some collagen pills and pain killers, he said to come back in a month to see if there is progress, if it is not better he was suggesting a medical escalation.

Then this morning, I was walking home with a friend (thankfully) I fainted for an instant and crashed to the ground. It was as if watching a TV, the image went woozy and the power went out, for just an instant. I was scary to lose control like this on a street. We slowly walked home, I had scared both my friend and myself… then I had this unclear yet strong thought: “Things are re-aligning” I told my friend but he said: “you were hungry…” Then I wondered if maybe I was being too dramatic. I can do that my my body lets me down… I get scared, my imagination runs.

We made food, I ate and I had to go for a job interview, my head remained unfocused, like with static, my breath short and I was dizzy. The interview? Another language school teaching job. That is another thing I have taken to read about.. not a good scene anywhere in Istanbul. It’s a racket. The guy doing the interview was American, from Vermont, he gave it to me like it is. No sugar coating. With these stupid jobs the truth is that you are a cog, they need you and they don’t give a shit about you. So you work for shitty pay, crazy schedule with no support until you cave in and collapse and they quickly get another bright eyed foreigner. I thanked him and walked out, proceeding slowly, my head swimming in thoughts, sensations, bits and pieces of the interview floating in my mind when suddenly I realized that my body was taller, that my stride was different, more me, not this struggling protective gait. Hmm? What is this? Realignment?

I came home and then felt such dread I wrote a will. Who knows? I was scheduled to go to another job interview but I cancelled it. I am supposed to go teach my first private student tomorrow but I will cancel that too. It was around 4 PM and I directly went to bed, feeling fragile, scared from all those weird body sensations and I wrapped myself in blankets and slept.

This last week in various stores I was ripped off 4,5 times, as if the dishonesty rises with life’s insecurity. I start to resent people. The way they lie to you with a smile. The way they knowingly abuse you. I also resent this work, these jobs immensely as it is the same thing “You are family” bullshit when they turn around and use you like cattle… It’s been a struggle. I am not a teacher… I love the students, I love if I can help them grow and learn, but when it comes down to it, I don’t know how to teach clauses and reported speech and I feel just bad. I want to quit. Leave all this idiocy behind, but how will I pay the rent?

So I did yoga again. Maybe I am re-aligning. Maybe I’m just falling apart. Maybe some forces are trying to get my attention. Maybe I should fucking quit this circus and see what presents itself because as long as I stay in it, I can’t see beyond the walls and just repeat the same moves like the automaton they want me to be.

I need to feel the earth. Heal.

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3 Responses to “Where can my feet take me?”

  1. Forrest Robinson Says:

    FOR SURE… It certainly does sound like you need to heal, Danielle. Yeah, the “rat race” has never been known to add to one’s life. It only takes from it. 100 years, from now, 1,000 years, whatever… nothing will have changed as far as that goes. I am so glad that your friend was with you when you fainted! I am also happy that you went to see a doctor about your foot issue. It’s good to have helpful information. Take care of yourself, Danielle. Sending you lots of love.

    Forrest

  2. Danielle Says:

    Whoa! Get some vitamin E into that body to help healing, and get it thoroughly checked over, fainting on the street like that can be a very bad sign. Take care of yourself honey, there’s only one of you, irreplaceable to those who love you.

    Danielle

  3. Erika Koenig Says:

    Hi Danielle

    Karen and I met today for coffee
    Thinking of you and what it means
    for you to continue to be in Turkey…

    Canada is a young country and you
    are in the cradle of civilization

    There is no point in talking about ‘home’

    I hope you are able to secure for yourself the reasons and fulfillment
    of your purpose where ever you are

    I wish for you good people for friendship and to care for you also
    true community where you can feel
    yourself and not feel alone

    Erika

    >


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