I resigned

May 11, 2016

 

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So I did it. Wrote a resignation letter. Then handed it in. Freedom from this craziness is coming. I am counting the days, the week ends. I will return into the uncertainty of unemployment but I realized that nothing in my life, energy, situation would change unless I quit and make room for new things and don’t just hang on to the fear of not being able to pay rent. I have been trying to look for other opportunities, but this roller coaster of energy makes it impossible. I need to become whole again and that is not going to happen if I have to go there.

I worked over the week end, I was so exhausted. It is undescribable the exhaustion I feel after a week end with 18 to 20 classes. My body hurt, my mind is blank, I get dizzy and I am so tired, so, so, so tired. I could really see the impact of that week end as I had had 4 days off before and when I came to the first classes on Saturday I had energy and something to say… by Monday I was dragging myself painfully around, feeling faint and feeling an emptiness in my chest in my solar plexus that is like a black hole… just drained. Nothing. Now I have had two days off and I am barely back up to resting RPMs… it’s like being on a steep hill in too high a gear, you know the feeling, you’ll either fall or go backwards…  I have been debating this whole thing for months now… why do I feel that way?  and it’s not the students and it’s not the teachers and it’s not the staff… it is this eat and spit them out system that sucks everything out of you for all that you are worth. It’s the realisation of the impossibility of surviving, it’s just enough to keep you going.  It is the unpredictability, it is the fact that I talked about everything and no one gives a shit, they need you they say, but you can go home with 50 dollars to live on for a month as your hours were cut without you knowing they were going to be cut.  Yes, they offered to “help” by giving me an advance on next month’s salary…. Oh yeah? so what happens next month?  You are short again… then you are indebted, then …. you are royally fucked.

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So Liberation Day: May 30th. They asked me to stay until mid June but the thought alone feels like climbing the Kilimanjaro without gear: Impossible. So I said no.  finally.

Time for the residence permit is also coming up. I will need money.  I had some but since my pay was so low for a couple of months because of my unpredictably fluctuating schedule I have none ahead of me. Part of me doesn’t want to renew… part of me thinks I must do 1 more year; go see the lands of the Amazons, see the Black Sea and the Mediterranean. There are also personal things that keep me here, like things of the heart… To leave would be criminal. So I must find my way around this mad country…. don’t get me wrong though, I think it’s mad everywhere on this planet, I think that the only thing that has value here is love.  So I stay.

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In the mean time I went to another museum. The Archeology museum. Saw the Asian exhibit; Egypt, Mesopotamia… I found myself completely overwhelmed when faced with an Egyptian artifact, there, so close I could touch it, but I didn’t… out of respect. All these cultures that came before us… Power, money.. Some now claim that Egypt failed because of climate change: a volcano changed the climate and mayhem ensued which then produced the collapse of that society.

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Go back as far as you can, it’s always the same, idiots warring for power and greed, regular people caught in the middle.

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I could go on… I did, but deleted it all. We all know we are in knee deep if not, up to our eyeballs in shit, pollution, degradation, abuse, lies… the human is now required to use his “intelligence” and “superior intellect” and stop reacting like absolute, self absorbed, blind and dumb morons. More caring, more vision and action. We might not survive what will come if we don’t change our evil, selfish ways.

Imagine what they would find, 2000 years or 10 000 years later… garbage, phones, TV’s, cars and so much plastic junk everywhere…   they could do this thing where they drill and find all sorts of impossible pollutants in the earth, layers of gunk, upon gunk, grocery bags galore… I think we should clean up for the next generations, kind of like getting clean underwear before heading out to the doctor’s office.

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Sorry for my tone I may be reading too many news these days…  but I care for this amazing, beautiful, unique earth, for the animals the air, the water, the people with all the dreams in their eyes, their wishes for peace and love.  Lets start by being kind to each other and forgive, then be kind to the earth, the animals… and ourselves.

For right now: Over and out.

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