June 21, 2016


Oh a breeze, gentle relief from this incredible heat we are getting here, over 30 with such humidity, it feels like we broil as soon as we step in the sun. It is hard on the people fasting during Ramazan. It’s been an interesting time since I quit the school. I took the first two weeks just to unwind, as I really was wound up. I realize now to what extent as the days go by and the stress washes off. I was reading past messages to a friend and saw how most of all I have been saying since October has been: “I’m so tired.”  and how he was replying “I am worried about you…”


Barış means peace…

I slowly found myself visiting friends again, going to Chillout, or just going for a walk… going to the pazar on Sunday to get fresh inexpensive vegetables, interestingly, I find that I spend at least 50% less money by not going to work. Kind of insane this work world we have agreed to wholeheartedly as a society. There is always a choice to be made. There is the point where you abandon your ideals. Where you bow to fear and carry on down the slippery slope. Quitting my job was about refusing to let fear dictate my life.

One of my favorite kitties in her urban world.

I had stopped playing any music around January, the gig I had stopped but I felt absolutely no desire or will to do it in any shape or form. I would think about it here and there, feel all sorts of ways, bad, guilty, depressed, watching myself giving up something that always meant so much to me. Well last night I played my first gig in months, with two of my favorite people and musicians. It was a very  wild experience. I stood there, feeling the notes, sounds, my voice, the guitar in my arms as an outsider. I was watching how I would hold up. I was singing a rock song standing up on that stage and it was a bit like feeling a dreamy reality… with a tad of doubt regarding my ability to carry it.  I did, I had a great team with me. Eren my magic drummer… per chance, he was around, he was free and he came to play… and Alican who is such a good friend.  So we just played.  Wandered, jammed, everyone really enjoyed and it was kind of “wow.. cool” all is well, simple… After I sat with some of the friends who came down, it was so enjoyable, relaxed.  Life.  Good, simple and sweet.


I have been having some blessed moments, pure joy of absorbing the beauty around me. It all feels fragile and fleeting, as every time I look at the news another diabolical plot is on the way to get realized here in Turkey.  In Three days I leave for Kabak Valley for a week, I’ll be by the sea, by nature, I have been appointed “music volunteer” for my stay. How interesting how music comes back into my world.


I will likely leave my room in the apartment, mainly because it would put too much strain to try to pay the rent right now, I have a few options for going back into a hostel and help against having a room.  I will decide where when I come back.  There is something about this communal life. As we all strain to have privacy, we end up in a lonely bubble… and nowadays a bubble that contains you and a computer or phone and Facebook.  So I think I’ll do that for the summer, then comes September I might travel a bit, I am hoping to go home and see my mother, in November it will have been 2 years since I saw her and the family.


In the mean time, my plan is to live every moment, enjoy the city, the life.  I saw  a post a little while back and it said: “one day you will look at today with fondness” it really made me realize how special my experience here is.  I am lucky.




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