August 20, 2018

August 20th 2018



It is gone. The leash’s clasp finally opened and the collar was finally removed.

On August 17th 2018, in a Tennessean court a judge declared us “divorced”. Finally. It had been 9 years since the original separation and since that, I had requested this many, many times and each time I was met with a barrage of excuses and an impassable wall. Nothing would happen and the leash would stay.

It was while I was in California sitting in Coffee Klatch in Rancho Cucamonga, drawing away when suddenly a loud call to action came from deep within. “Send him a message, offer $250 (approximately 1/2 the cost of a divorce without contest) and ask him to get it done. My head shot up in surprise, I stood for an instant wondering what the heck that was and then felt that it was really the moment to take action.  So, I sent him a message. My heart was pounding, I could just imagine another 12 incher message on Messenger delineating all the reasons why it could not be done… I felt so nervous.

In the mean time, my friends came and picked me up at the cafe, I told them about my sudden inspiration, we were all crossing fingers. Arriving home, I gingerly opened up the laptop and checked messages… again, heart pounding, fingers slightly tremulous. There was an answer. He said that, yeah, it would be time, that he would look into it…. I jumped up and started to dance around and hugged my friend. OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!! was all I could come up with.

At that point I had about 10 days left before flying out of California to return abroad. I felt this countdown ticking loudly, intimidating. I immediately sent money.  He was the one who long ago had told me :  “When there is a problem, just throw money at it.”  I should have done this much sooner.

I had tried alternative ways to getting this divorce thing done by myself, in Turkey it would have cost 15 000 Turkish Lira, too expensive…   In Canada I would have to be there for the duration of the procedure which could take up to 6 months, that seemed impossible and prohibitive, I looked into the “abandonment” thing but then I again would have to live in the USA or Canada to get that done. The simplest most expedient way always pointed to him initiating the process in America.

So the process was engaged, and as in all endless, impossible to terminate cycles, sticks were constantly appearing and finding their way into the wheels of this crazy wagon. First my Paypal transaction almost failed, because of the 5 day transaction delay, I had miscalculated transaction times and got messages to the effect that funds were insufficient… I rushed to fix that, not believing how I could let that happen.  Then he sent me the official forms and I almost missed getting them because the address was incomplete.  Then opening the package and looking at the papers I saw that my name was misspelled to Herbert instead of Hebert. I started to panic, it seemed that a strong counter-intention was infiltrating every aspect of the process.  After 16 years! Misspelling my name… it seemed crazy.  I was with Mona at that time and she was my rock being there to keep me grounded through it all. As I was starting to freak out, she proposed:  “We should be able to find these legal files online…”.  So I went online, and to my great relief, found the files. We printed them and filled them anew. Phew!

Then there was the question of the marriage certificate, we both could not remember either the date or the year of the marriage. I never had had possession of the certificate, he did. First he told me it was in storage far away, then in a later message said he had “lost it”. I asked everyone who had been at the wedding if they could remember the year, no one could. The only option was to go to the source, so I called the BC Vital Statistics office.  They would not give me the date of the marriage, I had to buy a new certificate, which annoyed me as I did not really wish to have such a paper in my possession.  The damn thing was $60 to be paid by credit card and I had no more credit cards…  I was starting to panic again, arguing with the woman on the phone,  Mona, who was hearing the conversation said “Just get it! I’ll pay for it!” So we ordered the certificate.


More obstacles reared up… we were waiting for the certificate to arrive, to be able to fill that one blank spot on the forms for the marriage date.  The courrier came but Mona or I weren’t home, so they refused to leave the document at the address. I called UPS gave them the tracking number the Office of Vital Statistics had given me, they told me it was not a tracking number…  The woman on the line was silent for a moment, then she said:  “it’s your lucky day, I just looked on my special folder and found your package”… She then gave me the US tracking number and I could thereafter find the package.  The next day, I found myself perched on the back of  Hector’s Suzuki GSX flying through LA to get to the UPS office. We had been following the document’s whereabouts online trying to catch it before it would be put on a truck again. We finally got it. In my hands… I opened it up… August 9, 98 was the date.  I was looking at that piece of paper…  a simple piece of fancy paper holding so much power, yet so meaningless.
Next day, next step: getting the papers notarized. I went to a UPS counter, they offer the service there. I was starting to feel that the strength of the obstacles was diminishing. The road was gradually opening. There I had notarized both the papers for the divorce and the papers for the bankruptcy.  The Notary asked me:  “anything else?”  I said: I think that is quite enough!”

Next day: I put everything in an envelope and headed to the post office. I took the bus, it was sunny and hot in central LA.  I was looking out the bus’ window, looking at the typical low lying southern California buildings. At the post office there was a big lineup. I grabbed the express shipping envelope, filled the form and slowly moved up the line to the counter. I was feeling everything, all the energies around me it seemed, I was supercharged.  Every person’s vibrations were hitting me.  At the counter,  I gave the letter, the clerk who asked me if it was indeed  going express, I acquiesced, paid, thanked the clerk and walked out. In the sun outside, I suddenly was hit with this big burst of emotion. I could have danced, tears rolled down my face in relief, I felt this long, long held feeling releasing. Finally. Finally. FINALLY.

I have felt this collar and leash around my neck for a long, long time. I have rebelled futilely against it. I could not remove this tether by myself… He had to cooperate but he always had a litany of excuses… In San Dimas, two years after the separation, after unsuccessfully requesting this divorce to be done he had told me:  “You are in such a hurry” (!!!!!!). Which had frustrated me to no end. Back then my friend Asbjorn told me to “forget about it, live your life fully as if it wasn’t there since there is nothing you can do.” I followed his advice and it was the best thing to do considering the circumstances, but I cannot tell you how many times it came up and how many times I was chafing to do something about it only to be left there powerless.

This time, in our email exchange he wrote to me: “I am very happy to give you your freedom completely” I was outraged.  This just was a punch in the stomach. Did he own me? Who gave him the right to dispose of my freedom as he wished?  All along, he was the one who could facilitate this process and he took 9 years to do it. For those 9 years I felt this hold, this tug, this leash. I felt his presence, his counter-intention that I had to accept, that I had to bend down to. How can a person have the leisure to keep another person attached against their wishes like this? As if he kept holding on to the last thing he could control over me.  I remember telling him in 2010: “We are done.” and his reply was “You’ll see”.  See what?  Why not take and respect the words coming from my deepest soul?  from my heart?

But this is all past.  I have been released.  I am free. I can now speak of all this in the past tense and do whatever I please without this shadow following me.

That night I went to the beach, on the pacific with friends. A gigantic feeling of freedom, happiness and lightness rose and rose from the depth of me. I burst into a run on the beach, into the water, laughing, crying, and by divine grace I was surrounded with three of the best people ever: Seraphim, Hector and Sarah. The size of my emotions, of the tension release surprised me. It made me aware of how I do bury and push down painful personal  issues I cannot solve. I saw how these things affect me on a cellular level. This newfound awareness will help me handle other issues.  I am thankful for that.



That night after the beach, we all went to a Cuban restaurant, ate, laughed, Mona joined us and we went dancing until the wee hours.  All was unplanned and so perfect.

It has been a year of deep personal discovery, a year of liberation of old things, of disentangling claws from the past from the fabric of my life. Walking on a thin wire, homeless, bankrupt, moving from place to place relentlessly, to the point of complete exhaustion. It has been so enlightening. Every place, every face a mirror for me to look and learn. I felt I was on the edge of rebuilding I was looking for stones to make a new foundation, but I see now that it’s not about rebuilding, it’s about expressing, vibrating, integrating.  Nothing is burnt to the ground and annihilated, all is moving, flowing, existing, nothing lost, nothing created.  It is about putting the mind outside of the habits, beliefs, reactions and bravely look and humbly recognize so to create the space, the moments that allow us to be creative, to be contributors.

The journey continues, there will be more challenges, or should I call them, chances to grow.  I am grateful.

“When you fulfill your own abilities, when you express your personal idealism through acting out to the best of your own ability in your daily life then you are changing the world for the better. Believe in your own reality count on your abilities, give them a practical form of expression.”
Seth, the Nature of Mass Events.

Much love.



One Response to “D-I-V-O-R-C-E”

  1. Christopher Percy Says:

    So Happy to hear this news Danielle. But also very saddend you have to endure all this for so long. Endless possibilities await you. Carry on and be well. Stay healthy. Love and Hugs, C

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: