Anxiety attack

September 12, 2018

There was a lull, I grabbed the guitar, the Go guitar.  That was the first time in 7 or 8 months. My fingers are ignorant, not callused, the mind is not connecting with reflexes of scales or riffs to run gracefully like when you run to the front door of a known home.

a38

In this very moment, there is no noise, no sounds. It is extremely rare. My room has a window on a physical well inside the building, there all the other apartments have windows as well, from their kitchen, bathroom and small bedroom that all communicate with this well.

I plunk some chords of a song I arranged, I sing a verse in Turkish, I have no more personal songs that represent me now, so personal songs don’t come. When I stop, there is silence still.

The guitar reverberates on my chest as it has one thousand million times before, and I don’t feel an emotional response. The Go and I might have said all we had to say together, like old married couples, we just grunt at each other and do the expected things on time to avoid having to explain anything.

I thought maybe I’d find some solace in the instrument. But no. Today I quit a job I didn’t even start. I was so freaked out. Freaked to the point where all that manifests in my incoherent thought process, is just a gigantic anxious “OH SHIIIIIT” I wonder if maybe I am afflicted with some sort of manufacturing defect that makes me escape, run away like this. You know like those Toyotas a while back, the accelerator would get jammed and you could not stop the cars except to run them into a brick wall… Come to think of it, this giant snafu did not stop the Toyota sales for very long. Marketing is powerful…  but I digress.

a06

Suddenly from the window a voice came up, an over excited young woman whose pitch drowns everything and spews over excited things out in the air, things that rise and reach me here, next to the well of the building where I camp at in the moment.

Now I hear showers and TVs and a giant fart and small kitchen noises. You are never alone. Earlier, I went to a cafe to be alone but there it’s the cigarette smoke that started to drown me. But what is truly drowning me now is this anxiety.

Why?  I’m not sure, nothing really changed since yesterday when I was on a thunderous winning streak (in my mind). Now I am (in my mind) completely eaten by anxiety because I backed out of taking a job that would have swallowed all my time and creative space… I am drawing, drawing, drawing… I am starting to see concepts and I am experimenting with colors and I feel like it’s going to be great, it shines and smiles to me and I get enamored and giddy and obsessed and that is all I want. Why should I give up my time to those thieves who believe in jobs and in “reality”? They never helped me before,  they just took from me.

a05
Back then I felt like they were bestowing some honor on me or something of the sort for having deigned to hire me, little, nothing me. But, time taught me that it’s not magnanimity that drove them and that what they were looking for was not the talent and qualities I so feared I lacked but the pliability and plasticity that would make me a good employee. I never got those jobs from those interviews because they clearly could immediately see that ‘I don’t line up too good’ and they saw that from a mile away.

Animals and trees. I miss animals and trees and grass. I miss animals and trees and grass and wind and flowers and their smell and space to stretch and the silence at night and the stars in the night sky. So I am looking for a flat with a tree nearby.  I did in fact get massively excited recently when I saw house plants for sale on a classified ads on a FB page. The tree thing seems pretty basic, but it’s hard to achieve here.

a41.jpg
I found animals in the cafe I go to these days. There is a cat and a love bird that hatched a baby love bird. There is also (not another animal but a beautiful gift) a beautifully spirited girl working there. On second sight, we hugged with great emotion for no apparent or known reason.

So the first day I saw the bird, way up on a fan on the ceiling. The cat was sitting next to me, I thought they were maybe too close but they are still too far for the bird to become cat snack.  The bird that day just sat there looking pretty nervous. The next day, there was a scraggly looking nestling of a bird next to the proud but still nervous looking parent. It looked like a decrepit sculpture of death with empty eyes from where I sat.

Today I saw the baby opened its wings, with feathers that looked like the feathers of a cheap plastic birdie for badminton (with really long quills). He already wants to fly. The cat, he is young, and he’s a sort of hip cool kind of cat, contrary to many cats will gladly stay there sliding into another pose just fast enough to give you time to shoot.  Since the cafe is pretty  hipster-ish, it makes the shots look like the cat is a supermodel doing a fashion magazine photo spread.  He will accept to be petted, and he will also bite a chunk of your hand once in a while just for fun. So there is my dose of nature.

a44

At the moment I have to figure out where I’ll live and how I’ll support myself. And to tie into all this questioning, a few hours ago I had the second and last “counseling” session with the bankruptcy firm.

“So you are careful about how you spend your money?”
“hmm hmm” (in the affirmative)

“You have to send your proofs of income.” she scolded me ( I had forgotten to do that) “Oh, OK. I will.”

“Do you want to get a credit card?”
“No. I don’t”
“Oh… uh, well, when you do, go to your bank and ask, don’t take it personal if they say no, get a prepaid card then and rebuild your credit.”
“Hmm hmm” I said. I had looked that topic up on line some weeks ago out of curiosity, a young financial wiz explained in 3 minutes how to rebuild your messed up credit to a stellar rated one within a couple of months.  That whole session was so mediocre. It didn’t help my anxiety. “Play by the rules and shut up”, I told myself.

So… the extraordinary moment… yes last week an extraordinary moment of clarity. It worked I was cruising in my new reality until I looked at the details of this new job, the commute time, the hours teaching, Istanbul is a nightmare for transportation.  I calculated that some days I’d spend 4 hours of commuting for 120 minutes of teaching and that I’d need time to prepare classes and that I am not a teacher and that I don’t know how to prepare classes. I realized clearly that this job was going to be a sort of prison and at that moment I started to lose all composure to a gigantic tsunami of anxiety.

I stayed in a daze all day.  Then I got the call.  I had to tell them that I must back out, and I love Beste so very much and I know she’s having a hell of a challenge finding teachers (hence my appointment).  I am trying to find something to say but I just stutter stupid stuff and I feel like throwing up.

After that conversation I was just blabbering feeling fever.  An email came in:  quote of the day: “Be in love with your life.  Every minute of it.”  Jack Kerouac, novelist. It hit.  BLAMMMMMM!!.

True.   It’s true, so true, so so so true. I need to hook my talons into life right NOW.  NOW.  NOW.    NOW.        NOW            NOW.
I spent the last 24 hours floating on a load of nervousness coming from God knows where.

NOW.

I look around!  NOW  I look inside.  NOW Feel your heart.  NOW  breathe deeply.  NOW.  Wow.  Phew….  the ground, earth…

I am a bit rudderless at the moment,  I made a mistake with this, never betray your own truth.

a17

 

Advertisements

a20

Something extraordinary

It was another day, another morning to wake up to. I felt tired, sore. But I remembered the promise I made to myself and the Universe: see the joy, be the joy, see the beauty and don’t let this sort of unconscious habit to pay attention to what feels bad instead of what feels good.   So I got up, did my morning stretches, some push ups (started that in June) I sat for meditation and my mind was roving wildly all over the place.

But it had its reasons. Yesterday I was in a blur of options and choices and indecision. My original plan was to go do Workaway jobs all the way to November when my 90 day visa expires.  After that the plan was simply to do more Workaways in Europe.

After the bankruptcy, I had many realisations. It was very intense and kind of scary. But looking back over the last 5 years or so, I was able to see my decline and the reasons why it happened. Through that whole period, (the last 3.5 years)  I was completely unable to make any single decision. Anytime I would make one, it would promptly skid and land in some ditch.  It was so ubiquitous that I finally accepted that I could not make decisions anymore, and I let it all go.
While I was in Romania last July, Ami gifted me a sketch book, a small, black, hard covered, rectangular sketch book. On it I wrote “What?” short for “What do I want to do?” I would fill it with my questions, resumes of my state of mind and some drawings of potential projects.  At the same time I started listening and reading all sorts of people from the self help community.  I listened to the Get Rich lectures with Bob Proctor, to Tony Robbins, I started  to read “Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, and a large number of inspirational people and ideas to see what would stick. I started to make lists of “my dreams”, and keep updating them, lists of my skills, wishes, fears, lists of possible jobs fitting my skill set, then I went into exploring the internet marketing thing to see what is going on there ( and I saw that I’ve been left in the dust since my days of website design) This gave me some hope, a sense of vague possibilities other than just surviving the next day, having the next meal.

I left Romania, arrived in Istanbul on August 2nd, felt good to be here despite seeing the immense economic stresses caused by this falling lira and political scene. I kept searching for answers. But this last week things started to click. I didn’t realize how much until today.  If you remember I had enrolled in the drawing academy, drawing course. One thing led to another, and after sending a series of drawings to the tutor because I could not get the concept taught, he offered to tutor me by sending me the exercises that address my faults directly. I was completely elated. So we started this exchange this week. I felt so validated and so thankful to have this personalized support as I am so determined to draw to the very best of my abilities, no matter what it takes.

a01

Then as part of my search, I went to the Udemy website they have courses on all imaginable subjects. There was a gigantic sale and for some reason, the courses in Turkey were charged in Turkish Lira, which means that what would cost $25 in Canada, cost me 25 TL (less than 5 bucks) So I bought a number of courses on topics I need to study, one of them, a “watercolor fundamentals” course (which I finished and which gave me so much knowledge!!)

Another one I got on a whim, it is a course on “how to manifest” by Ray Maor. I knew this guy from Youtube, I found him about 1 year ago, when I was looking into breatharianism, I had a sense that this was important to me.  This week I started and finished the fundamentals in watercolors course and started the next course which is about brush strokes.

Yesterday I finished the Manifestation course. I actually teared up because it was over!  Now, how to explain? I did all the exercises, once again building lists about dreams and lists to make you aware of your blocks.  there were a few exercises, so simple they were mind boggling, but they totally made me see and experience the power of an idea, a thought. I knew this, but never quite experienced it this way.

a97

So, I was about to leave to Yalova on Sunday for the first Turkish Workaway.  I felt confusion and many things were colliding in my mind.  This brings me back to this morning.  I went for coffee, then suddenly, as if all the ideas, choices, desires, blocks found their place in the scheme of my life, I made all those decisions not quite with my intellect if more by the work of some sort of mind gravity that put all the pieces in their place.  I made some drastic decisions, decisions to serve my longings, my desires, my needs and not just to fulfill the need for a roof and food when one has no money.

I decided to stay.  I will not go do Workaway. I will get a flat, my flat. Apply for the the residence permit despite all the system changes and the widespread panic within the expat community. I will work and support myself, as I write I have 3 possibilities awaiting my answer. I am investing time in educating myself with courses, with my drawing tutoring, so I can get more qualified to do work I adore.
It is a huge bite,  a dramatic volte-face.  Yesterday, I had no idea, I was vacillating between ideas and very confused. Now I am set and it feels … Extraordinary. Life is getting better all the time; My health, my focus,  my work, my love, my aspirations. Today was an incredible example that anything is possible.  My main “job” is to stay “elevated” in the soul.  Keep seeing the beauty, the wonder, the incredible magic of this little trip on earth we call life.

a09