February 9, 2019

 

I sat in the cafe, became really still. Everything started to penetrate my being; the music, the voices, the temperature of my body, the feeling of my clothes and the warmth between the many layers I need to wear these days. My eyes coursed along the contours of the cafe, the white ceiling marbled with many shadows, green patches from plastic plants. The hand gestures of a woman sitting one table down from me. The energy radiating from the young lovers hugging each other while looking at a phone.

Calm inside.

A moment of stillness amid the rolling conversations and the Latin rhythms of the music on the speakers.

I just came through a week of intense turmoil that required a second week just to feel human again.  It was all so tortuous I thought I’d lost my mind, lost my heart in a kind of typhoon of the psyche, a storm at sea so fierce, I could not see sky or sea. Yet, here I am, on the sideline observing and telling my mind to shut up.

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Faced with the demons of attachment and unable to detach with any sort of grace.  I see it now.  I went and read about brokenheartedness.  They say that the physiological process of a broken heart put the person into the same physical and mental distress experienced by heavy drug users going through the withdrawal process. Physical pain, mental anguish, restlessness, depression.

It was a relief in a way to learn this, I had a massively bad time in 2011 getting over a breakup that I only understood about 2 years later.   I can be slow.

Now, all is calm.  It was a lesson, it pushed me to look into my own psyche instead of blaming someone or something. We create it all, we are the creators, always, of all that happens to us.  All.  The good and the bad.  This creative responsibility is hard to face when the ugly side of us pops up and when the deeply buried emotional pains from deep unhealed wounds appear on the surface.  I’m here, up to my waist in this dark soil, and however painful, I am digging.  Digging to be free and set all others in my circle, in my universe free to be.

Digging to bring into the light of love and acceptance and understanding all these shadows I refused to see, hated, rejected.

And the journey continues.

Much love to you all

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