And there was silence.

March 28, 2019

 

 

Oh-my-heart_web
There was suddenly silence in my world. All the chatter, clatter, the never-ending maddening buzz stopped. It had started buzzing in November 2017. I was in an intense, blissful relationship. In September 2017 we had just traveled for a few weeks down along the Aegean sea, backpacking, a kind of trip of a lifetime, eating wild figs off of the trees and walking among olive trees and mystical places. I had just given up the room I rented; there were changes with the building’s landlord and I felt so on top of the world that I figured that I could just let it go, not pay rent for the next 6 weeks as I would be traveling, and that everything would be even better when we’d come back as I would certainly find an even better flat and that maybe we’d even move in together… I never felt such a love, felt I never was so loved by anyone. Despite the 24 years age difference that separated us we were, it seemed, indestructible, pure, completely merged into this bonheur total.

We made a plan; he would finish his studies in Istanbul in December while I would live a few months in Ayvalik on the Aegean then we’d go together to Poland where his last semester would be. I had a huge translation to do so I’d do that while in Ayvalik and scope the area for when he would join me. It was simple, full of promise, there was a forever feel in the air. But a month into my stay in Ayvalik, I received a first of a series of angry calls, that became angrier and angrier, he even called me a traitor. I was completely confused and so upset I could not eat, sleep or think, I was barely breathing.

So a frantic sort of desperate period started, I went back and forth between Istanbul and Ayvalik, the money was running out with all this unexpected travel and expenses, finally in December I came back to Istanbul, to at least try to figure what happened, I did not expect much. I came in loaded like a donkey, with way too much luggage, as returning was not part of the original plan. I was roaming all over Istanbul with this heavy burden of things were meant to serve for the new life in Ayvalik. Lamps, sleeping stuff, clay, art supplies, things you don’t carry around when you travel. I started to live in fear and pain. What had I done? Why was he so angry? What could I do? How was I to go on without him? How could I fix this? And also: Who was this angry guy?
I had no place to stay, I was spending money that was to sustain me for the next few months but it got burned on fligths, bus rides, hotel rooms, restaurants. When I finally found a flat, they asked for way too much money but they were artists and since it was only for two months, I thought it would be OK, and still be much cheaper than the shittiest hostel.

But a few days in I realized that this was going to be challenging, the art students were on school break and that meant that there were parties every night, I barely was able to sleep these two months. Then they started asking for more money when they got the utility bills, and there was cigarette smoke all over the place, almost every night. It was a quiet sort of torture on top of the personal turmoil already going on

Two months. Two month until what? The plan for Poland changed, he wanted space, he wanted time and I understood that and said yes, you do, go without me. When I said “go alone” he’d say “come with me” when I would think of going with him he’d say “I need space.” On an incredibly emotionally charged morning, he left, I stood there at the top of the stairwell barely keeping it together.

Soon after that,I realized that my finances were going into an unstoppable fall towards oblivion. In September I had thrown all cares to the wind and had gone to Canada to see my mom that I had not visited for 4 years, then I also went to Vancouver to see my friends, those expenses added up, income that was supposed to come did not and the the precarious balance I was juggling between the line of credit, the credit cards and my unpredictable income was irremediably disturbed.

It became clear that I did not have money for the next rent, that I was on the brink of bankruptcy. The numbers were flashing on the page like neon lights on a dark night. The first few days following this realization, I was in a total panic.

This meant that I had to find a way to have a roof without paying for it, so I started to search into the Workaway website. (volunteer work website) . I found hosts for the next 3 months and it looked like a good adventure with nothing to lose, so on January 18 2018 I left Istanbul with a backpack to go to France where I was to stay for a month on the first project. That is how the next 6 months went by. In July I was officially bankrupt, in September I was officially divorced, (something I had been seeking for 9 years).
We saw each other through the spring and summer, I kept hope. Upon my return to Istanbul I was dreaming of a home, of us being together of things to smoothly calm themselves. But no.
From January to now, we went through a little hell, and finally I received the terminal email. “jamais deux sans trois” all good things come in threes they say, I now can add to the divorce and the bankruptcy, this breakup with the man I spent most of the last 5 years with.

Silence.
I am not good at breaking up. Logically, any self-preserving person would have called it quits in November 2017. If someone calls you a traitor, you should take their word for it, true or not, because that is where their mind is at. Things were never the same after. But what we we had lived was so extraordinary to me that I could not give up, I thought we’d find the magic again…

Silence.

My body , after all this pain and struggles, I see, is gradually letting go, it is stopping to desperately grasp at hope, at anything. It feels like floating in dead air, the abruptness of the silence shocking. As if you stopped an arena rock concert mid-song. Just the ringing in the ears keeps going. The last few months, were punctuated with so much upheavals, the appearance of break ups and make ups, confusion, pain, loss, anger, fear, even madness for me, then hope, and way too much thinking. Now this silence is maybe the only possible remedy. The only viable course.

I am so tired, that I am going to accept that I have been dumped. I am done with it all. One can only take so much disrespect. Looking back at my life I see a line of people leaving me, dumping me, kicking me to the curb, or simply choosing not to communicate and even dying… there is a big emotional booby trap laying there that could explain the obvious fact that if everyone leaves me, there has to be something majorly faulty with me. And there is.
With him, I could not be strong enough with self love and self confidence not to let thoughts of our age difference interfere on a regular basis. From the beginning I thought he’d leave because of my age. But we went on and I usually was the only one worrying. So in a way I created this cul-de-sac. I made this a big issue for myself instead of just living life as it came. It became incredibly exhausting. Especially this last year. Since I don’t love myself, not seeing the love in the eyes of the lover made me certain that this was the proof that something was indeed wrong with me, and the cycle of self destruction would start. I would see my face in the mirror and wonder how anyone could want this ugly old woman. Yeah I know. Not healthy at all. But the mirror has always been my enemy, my nemesis. The one ‘putting me in my place’ The one who could defeat me with one look. And I guess it won the battle, yet again. I think it’s a kind of madness. I now see photos of me at 20, 30, 40 and I think: she is so beautiful. How did she not know that? But I didn’t see it, I saw a monster, I saw a disgraceful mound of flesh undeserving of love and life. And this ruined a lot of my life and still does. I still see the monster. Who is this ghoul in the mirror ?

So for a third time, Ground Zero. Big decisions are looming. Up until just before 1 PM today when I saw his terminal email, I still deeply felt Istanbul was home. Now, I am not so sure. It will take some time to figure this all out. The only thing that I know I must do at this very moment is work. I am going to just work really hard on every project that I have committed to. Pour all my energy and will and creativity into work. That would not be a waste and, this new silence will help.

I will also do all the things that I stopped doing while with him. I realized this recently… I stopped blogging, taking photos, playing music, dancing, seeing friends…. a ton of stuff…

Better to have loved… yes, I agree, I would not give up one single moment that we had together. Even the bad ones, it now feels kind of legendary, mythical. How blessed I was… I do hope that I will learn from this. I am so empty hearted right now. Two mornings ago I could not get up because my heart was hurting and hurting and hurting so deeply. I will have to make me my best friend, my strongest supporter and my most clever friend.

His eyes… Oh.

I have a few more days in the Hungarian country side, among a bunch of cats, 3 dogs, the forest in the spring, 3 goats 2 pigs, 2 chickens, our 400 newly planted trees and two outstanding human beings, to ground myself on this earth before returning to the mega city of 20 million. But despite all the city noise, this silence, that is now with me will come along. We’ll get acquainted. I’ve done well solo, actually I always do better solo… I’ve done well just being an electron coursing the universe, maybe this electron can finally learn to love itself in the new found silence.

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4 Responses to “And there was silence.”

  1. Joan Says:

    Tu es si belle grande cavalière! Lâche pas,
    la vie est merveilleuse avec tout son Univers. Ton art est à son meilleur dernièrement! You have everything you need for a solo trip and keep the dialogue coming.

  2. Françoise Says:

    Ma belle Danielle, je compatis pour toi et je ressens ta douleur. Je l’ai vécue aussi. C’est dur, très dur! Moi aussi, j’ai eu ton vécu avec un homme et j’ai cru perdre la tête. Déstabilisant au point que tu t’y perds quand soudain, tu ne plaît plus comme avant et que tu ne comprends pas mais c’est à leur perte. Prend du temps pour toi, laisse venir à toi toutes ces émotions, le chaos, absorbe le tout avec gentillesse envers toi. Ça prendra du temps.. je te garde dans mon cœur et mes pensées. Dis toi que tu es belle et merveilleuse, que tu mérites bcp d’amour. Bisousssss. Je suis là pour toi💙💚❤️🙏

  3. Lévis Says:

    We are loved unconditionally! We are perfect the way we are! We are at the right place doing the right thing! We just need to be aware of our intentions and what our attention is on! Blessings!

  4. francoise Moulin Says:

    Je pense a toi. Comment vas-tu? Bisous ma belle amie.


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